


For Those of you Just Joining Us: Merlin, Season One

by fandomlver



Series: For Those of You Just Joining Us [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, Parody, Spoilers for season one, it's all in good fun I promise, more tags to come
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-07-22 14:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7441981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomlver/pseuds/fandomlver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all know the story. Merlin arrives, he gets a job, he saves Arthur and Camelot and Arthur...</p><p>This isn't that story. Or, maybe, it's more that story than anything else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Dragon's Call

_Fields_

MERLIN stomps along with apparently everything he owns in a satchel on his back while an old man voiceovers about how awesome MERLIN’s eventually going to be.

That shot of CAMELOT is pretty cool, to be fair. Even if it is only a model.

(There, I did my contractually obligated Monty Python joke. That’s it now! That’s all you’re getting!)

 

_CAMELOT_

MERLIN wanders around through the town, being so amazed at everything that I’m amazed he hasn’t been pickpocketed already.

In the castle square, a man is executed for magic by UTHER PENDRAGON. MORGANA watches from a window.

UTHER: I am a great king and CAMELOT would be nothing without me.

OLD WOMAN: You killed my son and I curse you!

She vanishes using MAGIC.

MERLIN wanders around the castle looking for GAIUS. Apparently, knowing the name of someone who works there is enough for no one to question you ever.

GAIUS’ rooms are up a lot of stairs, which seems mean, as GAIUS is quite elderly.

GAIUS is up on a ladder. MERLIN clears his throat and GAIUS promptly falls over. MERLIN uses MAGIC to stop him in midair and move a bed under him.

GAIUS: WHAT WAS THAT WHAT DID YOU DO

MERLIN: Nothing, I don’t know. MAGIC, I guess.

GAIUS: You tell people that easily and you’ve come to CAMELOT, where MAGIC is outlawed on pain of death?

MERLIN: Yep! (grins gormlessly)

GAIUS: Right, well. I suppose I’d better take you on as an apprentice then.

MERLIN’s new bedroom has a really nice view of CAMELOT.

GAIUS reads a letter from HUNITH, MERLIN’s mother. She is worried about MERLIN getting in trouble in their village and asks GAIUS to watch over him and help him.

GAIUS is wearing glasses. Actual, proper, ground lenses in wire frames glasses.

 

MORGANA’s lurking in a corridor, watching some guards clean up in the yard.

UTHER: Can’t help noticing you’re not at the feast.

MORGANA: Can’t help noticing you’re still killing people who haven’t done anything wrong.

UTHER: He broke the laws of the kingdom.

MORGANA: The law is an ass.

UTHER: Stop sulking and come and meet our finest singer.

MORGANA: Make me.

UTHER: I can do that. I’m your guardian.

MORGANA: Yes, I actually was aware of that.

 

_Forest_

GWEN COOPER from TORCHWOOD is sitting in a tent humming to herself. There are several guards around. She’s a bit nervous because there are birds cawing and leaves rustling.

Her name is LADY HELEN in this.

The OLD WOMAN from CAMELOT’s courtyard uses voodoo to make her fall over, then changes to look like her. Her reflection still shows her real face, though.

 

_CAMELOT_

MERLIN is woken by a strange voice whispering his name. He heads down to GAIUS’s workshop, where GAIUS is a sort of gruff father for a few minutes before deliberately knocking over a bucket to test MERLIN. He is very astonished when MERLIN claims not to use any spells, he just does it.

He sends MERLIN off to do some errands for him. Way to keep him out of trouble, there, GAIUS.

MERLIN messes up the first delivery. Smashing start.

On his way to his second delivery, MERLIN comes across a BLOND GUY bullying a servant by making him run around with a target while he throws daggers at it. A MAID is watching from a high window.

MERLIN: Maybe you should stop that now.

BLOND GUY: Maybe you should mind your own business.

MERLIN: Why, who’s going to make me, the king?

BLOND GUY: How about the king’s son?

MERLIN: What, ARTHUR? Is he here? Because I’ve never...oh…

ARTHUR: Yeah. ‘oh’.

MERLIN is thrown in the dungeon.

 

‘Lady Helen’ arrives with a whole lot of guards. It’s very late for someone to be arriving, isn’t it?

She presents herself to UTHER, MORGANA and MORGANA’s maid, along with other UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE.

 

In the morning, MERLIN is woken by the same strange voice. That is a bloody _massive_ cell he’s in.

GAIUS comes to berate him very loudly for drawing attention to himself, then says he can get out of the cell but he has to spend some time in the pillory. This is not fun, because people like to waste a lot of food by throwing it at whoever’s in there. GAIUS finds this hilarious.

GUINEVRE, known as GWEN, MORGANA’s maid, comes to introduce herself and incidentally insult MERLIN as much as possible. She hurries off when the next round of FOOD WASTING PEASANTS arrive.

 

Back in GAIUS’ rooms, they discuss his ‘gifts’. GAIUS still can’t figure out how MERLIN does what he does. When MERLIN asks if GAIUS knows magic, he turns the discussion to CAMELOT’s history; twenty years ago, UTHER declared war on MAGIC and MAGIC USERS and killed all but one of the DRAGONS. The remaining one is imprisoned beneath the castle. But nevermind that now, MERLIN needs to take some medicine to ‘LADY HELEN’ !

MERLIN lets himself into the room without knocking, which is kind of rude. He finds the voodoo doll and ‘LADY HELEN’s’ Book of Shadows, but she returns before he can find out anything incriminating.

MERLIN heads out into the town, where he meets ARTHUR and a group of - well, they’re probably not knights, because they’re not in armour, so let’s say THUGS. ARTHUR and MERLIN goad each other into a fight with flails, during which they destroy a lot of things.

MERLIN: Shit, the trained knight is better than I am. (MAGICS ARTHUR into falling down a lot. It doesn’t help.)

 

GAUIS: You’re being reckless and foolish!

MERLIN: MAGIC’S BEEN MORE OF A FATHER TO ME THAN YOU EVER HAVE! (storms off)

GAUIS: (Sighs, goes to start medicining)

MERLIN: Am I a monster?

GAIUS: I am not wise enough to answer that.

 

‘LADY HELEN’: Will everyone be at my concert tomorrow? I mean everyone, really everyone? ARTHUR?

UTHER: Yes, probably.

‘LADY HELEN’: Such a shame he has no mother. It’s such a special bond, mother and son, isn’t it.

UTHER: Yes, I’m - sure it is.

 

MERLIN is woken again by the VOICE. This time, he follows it down into the dungeons, but not before he MAGICALLY pulls GAIUS’ blanket up, because doing it by hand...might wake him?

He passes the DUMBEST GUARDS EVER and heads down into the caves under the dungeons. Why did they even bother with dungeons? Just bung people down in the caves!

About seven miles down, he finally finds a MASSIVE DRAGON in the middle of a MASSIVE CAVE.

DRAGON: Hi, I’ll be playing the part of ‘ENIGMATIC MENTOR’ for the next few years. ARTHUR’s gonna be great, but he’ll need you beside him and that’s why you have MAGIC.

MERLIN: That’s not very enigmatic. It’s just totally wrong, because ARTHUR’s a big jerk.

DRAGON: Talk to me in a few years. (flies away)

 

GAIUS gives him more jobs to do, including delivering medicine to MORGANA. He once again walks in without knocking and is mistaken for GWEN by an oblivious MORGANA. There is a lot of fumbling around and hiding behind dresses until GWEN comes in, but the point is, MORGANA definitely hates ARTHUR and she’s not going to the ball with him, no way, uh uh, he hasn’t even asked her yet! I mean, at all!

 

A MAID comes to give ‘LADY HELEN’ some fruit and tidy her room, but accidentally sees her OLD WOMAN REFLECTION, so ‘LADY HELEN’ sings her to death. No, really.

 

The FEAST starts. MERLIN sees ARTHUR. ARTHUR sees MORGANA, in a very daring, shoulders bared red dress.

That’s the third time someone’s said ‘God’. Seems strange for this series…

GWEN manages to completely insult MERLIN again, and also make a FORESHADOWING JOKE.

People find their seats as UTHER wanders in.

UTHER: CAMELOT is brilliant, and here’s LADY HELEN to prove it!

‘LADY HELEN’ sings in what might actually be WELSH. People start falling asleep, but not MERLIN, for some reason. Spider webs grow on people, and it’s gross.

‘LADY HELEN’ attempts to throw a dagger at ARTHUR, instead of just walking up to him and stabbing him. The delay give MERLIN time to MAGICALLY knock down a chandelier on her. People start waking up, but the spider webs are still there. GROSS.

‘LADY HELEN’, now back in OLD WOMAN form, attempts to throw the dagger again. MERLIN dashes to save ARTHUR, although for some reason instead of pushing him in the direction he was going anyway, he stops moving, reverses and pulls him instead. I’m sure it made sense somehow. Maybe he was afraid of hitting UTHER.

UTHER: You saved my boy! How to repay you...I know! I’ll give you one of the most important, trusted positions in the kingdom even though I literally know nothing about you!

MERLIN: Um…

ARTHUR: Um…

UTHER: Sorted! 

 

GAIUS: Here, MERLIN, have a book of MAGIC. I’m sure you won’t get in any trouble with it at all.

MERLIN: Trouble? Me? As if.

 

NEXT WEEK: 

There is trouble.


	2. Valient

_Some bizarre bazaar somewhere_

SOME GUY: I’ve come for my new shield.

CREEPY SALESPERSON: Here it is! Let me demonstrate how it works! These magic snakes come out, you see, and they’ll do anything you tell them to, and they’ll kill anyone they bite.

SOME GUY: Really? I’d better test that. Kill him.

CREEPY SALESPERSON: (is somehow surprised at this)

SOME GUY rides off to CAMELOT to enter himself in a tournament. His name is VALIANT.

 

_Outside CAMELOT_

ARTHUR has dressed MERLIN in mismatched armour and is systematically beating on him with a sword in the name of training.

MERLIN limps into GAIUS’ workshop, where he is laughed at. He uses MAGIC to call a book across the table, because he can’t possibly reach for it himself.

GAIUS: Stop using magic in CAMELOT!

MERLIN: Yes, boss.

The next morning GWEN teaches MERLIN about armour, because being a blacksmith’s daughter she knows all about it. MERLIN uses his new knowledge to very slowly dress ARTHUR for the tournament.

ARTHUR: You’re slow and you talk too much.

MERLIN: Yes, sire.

ARTHUR: Really, could you move any slower?

MERLIN: You have arms, you know, you could do this yourself!

ARTHUR: I am the prince!

MERLIN: Uh huh. Play nice with the other kids, now.

UTHER: This has a very noble purpose, but really, it’s all about HITTING EACH OTHER WITH SWORDS!

CROWD: Yay!

UTHER: Oh, and ARTHUR, if you let me down, you’re disowned. LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!

There is much fighting. ARTHUR and VALIANT move up the ranks.

VALIANT: Hey, well done, ARTHUR.

ARTHUR: Yes, you too.

MERLIN: ...you prick.

ARTHUR is amused, but that doesn’t stop him giving MERLIN twenty new chores to do. MERLIN uses MAGIC to do them, much to GAIUS’ disapproval.

 

VALIANT smarms at MORGANA during a feast. She seems to enjoy it.

VALIANT: So if I win, I get to escort you to the big end of tournament feast?

MORGANA: That’s the idea.

VALIANT: I’ll definitely try to win now. I was only sort of vaguely interested in the money. You’re the real prize.

ARTHUR: (throwing up in the background)

 

Early the next morning MERLIN goes to collect ARTHUR’s armour. VALIANT has cleverly left the KILLER SNAKE MAGIC SHIELD in the armoury where anyone can trip over it and or hear the SNAKES hissing. Definitely an evil genius, this one. However, he does show up in time to chase MERLIN off before he figures anything out.

 

ARTHUR is impressed at MERLIN’s armour-cleaning-and-putting-on skills, but being ARTHUR, he doesn’t say so.

 

MERLIN wishes him good luck and then trails him all the way down to the tournament grounds anyway.

VALIANT starts using the SNAKES to paralyse his opponents.

GAIUS: Hmm, this looks like a SNAKE BITE!

MERLIN: Zoinks! (runs off)

VALIANT has apparently learned his lesson, because his shield is now in his room. However, he hasn’t learned how to close his door, so MERLIN is able to watch in close up as he feeds one small mouse to the three SNAKE HEADS on his shield. That’s one mouse total, not one each. Guess he’s keeping them hungry for the tournament. Why do MAGICAL SNAKES need real food anyway?

MERLIN hurries back to GAIUS.

MERLIN: VALIANT’s shield has come alive!

GAIUS: Why are you suddenly IRISH?

MERLIN: I’m distressed, all right? What are we going to do about this? I know, why don’t I tell ARTHUR?

GAIUS: Because if you accuse a knight he’ll just say he’s not and the king will believe him over you, you’re just a servant!

MERLIN: (stalks off)

 

More fighting the next morning. ARTHUR is still winning. So is VALIANT. MERLIN’s still mad at GAIUS.

VALIANT and ARTHUR will face off in the final.

 

GAIUS: Look, if we can cure EWAN he can tell the king that VALIANT used MAGIC against him. The king will believe him because he’s a knight. But I’d need a sample of the SNAKE venom.

MERLIN: (is already gone)

 

UTHER: Well, VALIANT, think you’re going to win tomorrow?

VALIANT: ARTHUR’s a great warrior, my lord, I just hope I can be entertaining. (under his breath) You’re going down, ARTHUR.

ARTHUR: I’m sorry?

VALIANT: Shall we go to town, ARTHUR? All the good taverns are in town.

ARTHUR: We’re at a feast. There’s plenty of alcohol here.

VALIANT: Right, right, my mistake.

UTHER: Why not join my knights after the tournament?

ARTHUR: (eye rolling)

 

VALIANT has finally learned to lock his doors, but it doesn’t help against MERLIN. He lets himself in and starts trying to figure out the shield. One of the SNAKES tries to bite it; MERLIN chops the head off with a sword and runs for it.

VALIANT sees him running.

 

GAIUS: Excellent, I can make an antidote now!

MERLIN: Great, I’m going to talk to ARTHUR.

 

ARTHUR: Ridiculous, he can’t be using MAGIC here in CAMELOT.

MERLIN: No, he is, really.

ARTHUR: All right then, I believe you.

Apparently the SNAKES can detach from the shield now; one of them’s in ARTHUR’s rafters, watching them talk.

 

EWAN wakes up and immediately incriminates VALIANT, but GAIUS leaves him alone and he’s bitten again.

 

UTHER: Why are we in court?

ARTHUR: VALIANT’s cheating with magic.

VALIANT: Nonsense!

ARTHUR: Here’s a SNAKE head. Also, EWAN will confirm it for me.

GAIUS: Sorry, sire, EWAN’s dead.

UTHER: Well, there’s no proof, so I can’t condemn him.

ARTHUR: You always condemn people without proof! That’s your whole thing!

UTHER: Not this time.

VALIANT: Let’s not blame ARTHUR, he’s probably just scared.

ARTHUR: Oi!

 

ARTHUR: Well, that went swimmingly, now everyone thinks I’m a cheat and a coward. You’re fired.

 

MERLIN goes down to see the DRAGON.

MERLIN: I’m quitting my destiny!

DRAGON: Good luck with that.

 

GWEN finds MERLIN slumped miserably on some steps.

GWEN: Did VALIANT really do it?

MERLIN: Yes.

GWEN: What are you going to do about it?

MERLIN: What am I supposed to do about it? Why is it my job to do something about it? Nothing! Ok, gotta go do something about it.

MERLIN hauls off a statue of a dog and spends all night practising the ‘bring things to life’ spell.

 

Meanwhile, MORGANA has a nightmare about VALIANT winning and ARTHUR spends all night practising in the yard.

 

MERLIN: Don’t fight.

ARTHUR: I’ll lose the respect of my people if I don’t fight.

 

MORGANA: Be careful.

ARTHUR: (doesn’t quite know how to take that)

 

The fight starts.

 

MERLIN is still still trying to learn the spell. Eventually he makes a DOG. It chases him out of his room.

MERLIN: Don’t go into my room.

GAIUS: (immediately goes into his room)

 

ARTHUR and VALIANT fight for a while. ARTHUR keeps matching VALIANT’s disadvantages. VALIANT does not return the favour.

MERLIN casts his spell on the shield in front of everyone. Instead of claiming that he doesn’t know what’s going on and someone’s setting him up, VALIANT basically confesses and then sets the SNAKES on ARTHUR. MORGANA throws him a sword and he kills the SNAKES. And VALIANT.

UTHER is very relieved, and ARTHUR punches MERLIN in the shoulder so everything’s back to normal there.

 

ARTHUR: Well, guess I’m your escort now, MORGANA.

MORGANA: Looks like it.

They seem to be getting on for four point three seconds, then they have a fight and stalk off in different directions.

ARTHUR: Sorry about that whole ‘sacking you’ thing. You’re rehired.

MERLIN: Oh, tha…

ARTHUR: Have a massive list of chores to celebrate.

MERLIN: ...nk you sooooooo much.

 

Next time:

Plagues, sorcery, some woman, the DRAGON, GWEN’s in trouble and so is MERLIN.


	3. Nimueh

_A cave somewhere_

SOME GIRL: (does magic)

 

_Lower Camelot_

MERLIN: Ew, plague.

GAIUS: Hush up and don’t panic anyone.

 

GWEN: I love you, Dad.

GWEN’s DAD: Aw, thanks, dear. I feel completely safe now that you’ve said that in my very first scene.

 

_CAMELOT_

GWEN: Oooh, can I poke my nose in whatever you’re doing?

MERLIN: Really rather you didn’t.

GWEN: What about some awkward flirting?

MERLIN: What, again?

 

GWEN: I picked you some flowers because you haven’t been sleeping well!

MORGANA: (half hearted smile)

 

GAIUS: This may well be magic.

MERLIN: What, really?

GAIUS: You live in CAMELOT, the city with the most magic in the world. Why are you surprised by this?

ARTHUR: Just popping in to up the tension a bit.

MERLIN: (practically lies on the body to hide it)

ARTHUR: Tell GAIUS my father wants him.

MERLIN: Sorry, are you having a fight with him or something? Are you six? He’s standing right there.

ARTHUR: Shut up, MERLIN.

 

UTHER: Why is there a dead body in my throne room?

GAIUS: I’m guessing because he died, sire.

UTHER: What’s going on?

GAIUS: (gravely) Magic, sire.

UTHER: PANIC STATIONS!

 

ARTHUR kicks down doors and questions people.

MERLIN: GAIUS, this one’s not dead yet! Why don’t I use my magic?

GAIUS: Why don’t you use your head, idiot? Use magic now while everyone’s watching us? Pssh. Now come on, let’s leave this alive person here after letting him overhear us talk about your magic.

ALIVE PERSON: No I didn’t.

GAIUS: It was about HIS MAGIC!

ALIVE PERSON: Oh, fair enough.

 

GAIUS: God, I love science. Science will solve every problem in the world, you wait and see.

ARTHUR: Just bringing a fresh load of tension, where did you want it?

GAIUS: Up in MERLIN’s room where he’s left his magic book out in the open will be fine.

ARTHUR: You’re a terrible servant, MERLIN. Just thought I’d point that out. GAIUS, how long until there’s a cure?

GAIUS: Oh, about thirty eight minutes, sire.

ARTHUR leaves.

MERLIN: Right, I’m going to use magic to solve this.

GAIUS: No magic while the king’s hunting sorcerers!

MERLIN: He’s always hunting sorcerers!

GAIUS: No. Science will fix this.

 

_The cave_

SOME GIRL watches gleefully in a magic pool while people in CAMELOT use water. That solves that mystery, then.

 

_CAMELOT_

Apparently CAMELOT’s pallbearers got tired after a while. Some of the bodies are laid out nice and neat, but then…

ARTHUR: No clues in the city.

UTHER: Right, let’s blockade the lower city and try and keep the deaths there.

ARTHUR: But there are people down there!

UTHER: (actual line) Don’t you think I haven’t considered it?

ARTHUR gets confused by the double negatives and wanders off.

 

GAIUS: Ah ha, this courtier’s body tells us everything!

MERLIN: Does it? So you know what’s causing this?

GAIUS: ...no.

MERLIN: But you know how to cure it.

GAIUS: ...no.

MERLIN: ….

GAIUS: It’s spread through water!

MERLIN: Well, that’s helpful, but we sort of need water. Like, to live.

 

_Lower Camelot_

GWEN’s DAD: Damnit, I knew I was doomed when you said you loved me.

 

_CAMELOT_

GWEN: GAIUS PLEASE SAVE MY FATHER I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD NO ONE AT ALL!

GAIUS: Sorry, I can’t.

MERLIN: (overhearing)

 

_Lower CAMELOT_

MERLIN sneaks around the lower town after curfew, because that’s smart. Then he uses magic to stay undetected, because that’s even smarter.

Then he uses a physical object, rather than a spell. Having just dodged the squad looking for evidence of magic. Really, MERLIN?

 

_CAMELOT_

GAIUS: The sickness is in the water.

ARTHUR: We’ll tell everyone to stop using water!

GAIUS: No. No, sire…

 

MERLIN: It’s great that your father’s feeling better!

GWEN: How did you know?

MERLIN: Magic.

GWEN: Pshyeah, right.

 

_Lower CAMELOT_

ARTHUR: You were sick?

GWEN’s DAD: Yes.

ARTHUR: And now you’re better?

GWEN’s DAD: Yes.

ARTHUR: But maybe it was _something else?_

GWEN’s DAD: No, it was definitely the deadly deadly plague! Ask my daughter GWEN, she’ll tell you!

ARTHUR’s MEN find the magic bundle in his bed.

 

_CAMELOT_

ARTHUR has GWEN arrested over MORGANA’s protests. MERLIN sees them go.

GAIUS: This is what happens when you try and do good things!

 

GWEN: I didn’t do anything!

MORGANA: I believe you.

UTHER: I don’t. Stop the disease or die.

GWEN: I don’t know how!

UTHER: Death it is then!

MORGANA: This is wrong.

ARTHUR: I agree.

UTHER: No, you are both wrong and I’m right, now shut up.

 

MERLIN: I just wanted to help.

GAIUS: Helping doesn’t always help. You must learn not to rush into things.

MERLIN: Sorry, can’t hear you, in a hurry to go see GWEN! (rushes off)

 

GWEN: Awkward flirting?

MERLIN: This really isn’t the time, GWEN.

 

MERLIN: I’m a sorcerer!

GAIUS: The boy is feeble minded!

UTHER: He’s just confessed!

GAIUS: Would a person in their right mind confess in front of your council?

UTHER: Well….

ARTHUR: And besides, he’s in love with GWEN, he’s just trying to protect her.

UTHER: Well, I didn’t believe you about GWEN, so I suppose I owe you one. All right, you can have your little servant back.

ARTHUR: Good, because he’s _definitely not a sorcerer._

 

MERLIN: I hate ARTHUR.

GAIUS: Well, he just saved your life, now quit whining and let's go investigate the water supply.

 

It’s dark and creepy down there.

GAIUS: This is the water that’s making everyone sick.

MERLIN: Why don’t I just go ahead and stick my hand in there, then.

It looks like everything will be fine, but then A MASSIVE CREATURE LUNGES AT THEM HOW WILL THEY EVER ESCAPE OH NOES

 

GAIUS: I’m so glad that creature can’t leave the water, apparently.

MERLIN: Sure seems that way.

GAIUS: Right, this book has its name and description but nothing about how to defeat it. Better get reading through my massive library of twelve books!

MERLIN: But that could take days and GWEN might be dead by then! I’d better waste some time gawking at the pyre and assuring GWEN that I’m going to free her.

 

MERLIN: Hey, DRAGON! Help me out, huh?

DRAGON: Elements, teamwork.

MERLIN: Oh, come on!

DRAGON: I told you, I’m the enigmatic mentor!

MERLIN: There’s enigmatic, and then there’s ‘vague to the point of uselessness’!

 

UTHER: Found any solutions yet?

ARTHUR: No, sir.

UTHER: (disappointed silence)

ARTHUR: (hangs his head)

 

MERLIN: GAIUS, what are ‘elements’?

GAIUS: Gasp, the creature is made of earth and water, maybe fire and wind will destroy it!

MERLIN: Excellent. Also, I need ARTHUR.

MORGANA: I’ll handle that!

MERLIN: Sorry, what?

MORGANA: Well, ARTHUR bursts in to bring tension. I figured I’d burst in and bring hope.

MERLIN: Those aren’t opposites.

MORGANA: Do you want my help or not?

 

MORGANA: Poke, prod, manipulate.

ARTHUR: Look, can’t you just point in the right direction and say ‘kill’? Do we have to go through the rigamarole?

MORGANA: Yes.

 

ARTHUR: Protective!

MORGANA: Feminist!

MERLIN: Oh, damn, has it gotten out of the water?

ARTHUR: Might have been nice if you’d mentioned that possibility before!

MERLIN: (shrugs)

ARTHUR: Look, it’s not showing up. Let’s split up. That’s sure to draw it out.

It does.

I hate fights by torchlight, I can never see anything.

They find the creature and there’s a lot of flailing of torches and shouting and backing up and lunging. Eventually MERLIN uses some very loud magic and the creature is burnt up.

 

_The cave_

SOME GIRL is not happy about the creature being defeated, and she knows MERLIN’s name. Ooops.

 

_CAMELOT_

GAIUS: No one’s dying anymore.

UTHER: Oh good.

GAIUS: But this creature has the mark of NIMUEH.

UTHER: You don’t mean…

GAIUS: Oh yes I do, sire.

UTHER: (pointed look)

GAIUS: (pointed look)

UTHER: (pointed look)

GAIUS: (pointed look)

UTHER: (pointed look)

GAIUS: (pointed look)

UTHER: (fit of depression)

 

GWEN’s let out of the cell.

MORGANA: MERLIN, let me talk about secrets in an open ended way.

MERLIN: I can finally confide in someone!

MORGANA: Yes, it’s great for you to be in love with GWEN.

MERLIN: Sigh.

 

MERLIN: This fish didn’t come from the drinking water, right?

GAIUS: Of course it did, where else would it come from.

MERLIN: Why are there fish in our drinking water? That’s gross!

GAIUS: It’s just efficient use of resources.

 

SOME GIRL, presumably NIMUEH, is watching them through her secret magic pool.

NIMUEH: I’ll get you, MERLIN, and your little fish too!

 

_Next week_

MERLIN’s sick and ARTHUR’s in trouble.


	4. The Chalice of Death

_The cave_

NIMUEH drips blood and chants spells over a chalice. We know she’s doing bad because she says _CAMELOT_ and _MERLIN._

_CAMELOT_

Knights in blue stride menacingly up CAMELOT’s throne room.

UTHER: Yes, very impressive. Let’s sign this treaty, hmm?

MERLIN watches. He looks bored. NIMUEH is also there, dressed as a messy servant. Why would you bring a messy servant to another court? Wouldn’t you bring the tidy ones?

 

MERLIN: Being a servant sucks.

GAIUS: Suck it up.

NIMUEH IN DISGUISE: OH NO I HAVE FALLEN OVER

MERLIN: Let me help you with that.

 

NIMUEH IN DISGUISE wanders about the corridors and leaves her spelled chalice in the chambers of BAYARD, leader of the men in blue. Not the men in black. That’s something else.

 

MERLIN: These clothes are filthy. Let’s get them on you!

ARTHUR: (Smiles genially)

 

MERLIN is wearing a hat with a stupid poofy feather. ARTHUR is very amused.

GWEN: MERLIN, have you been awkwardly flirting with other girls? I thought that was our thing!

MERLIN: I - what? No!

BAYARD speeches for a while and then hands over the chalice to ARTHUR. NIMUEH IN DISGUISE chooses this moment to drag MERLIN out of the room.

NIMUEH IN DISGUISE: The chalice is poisoned help I can’t say anything to anyone he’ll have me killed help help!

MERLIN charges back in, just in time because everyone keeps toasting things and ARTHUR hasn’t actually drunk any yet.

MERLIN: POISON!

BAYARD: LIAR!

UTHER: Test it.

ARTHUR: Hey!

MERLIN: Fine. (Drinks, looks all right, falls down)

UTHER: Arrest BAYARD and all his men! Oh, and someone get that out of here. (turns up his nose at MERLIN)

 

GAIUS, GWEN and ARTHUR do vaguely medical things.

GAIUS finds a petal in the goblet, stuck on just strongly enough that it didn’t come off when the goblet was filled, drunk from or dropped, but came loose easily when he pulled with tweezers.

GAIUS: Oh dear, looks like a magical flower. I can’t make a cure without more of it, and it’s far away in a dangerous place guarded by magic.

ARTHUR: Awesome.

GAIUS: It’s dangerous…

ARTHUR: Yes, but if I don’t, he’ll die, right?

GAIUS: Slowly and painfully, yes.

ARTHUR: Then I repeat; awesome.

 

NIMUEH IN DISGUISE rides out of CAMELOT, because I’m sure the guards don’t have instructions about holding BAYARD’s people, or anything.

 

GWEN: Sorry you had to take a hair pin out on your own, MORGANA.

MORGANA: It’s all right, I only lost half my hair and three nails doing it. How’s MERLIN?

GWEN: Hot. 

MORGANA: (raised eyebrow of ‘ _really?_ ’)

GWEN: I _mean_ , he has a fever.

MORGANA: Spoilsport. Go on and help GAIUS, I have another seven nails to use yet.

 

UTHER: You’re not going for the antidote.

ARTHUR: But…

UTHER: You’re not going for the antidote.

ARTHUR: He risked himself for me!

UTHER: You’re not going for the antidote.

ARTHUR: I owe him!

UTHER: You’re not going for the antidote.

ARTHUR: Argh! (storms off)

UTHER: You’re not going for the antidote!

 

MORGANA: Needle, poke, prod.

ARTHUR: I hate you sometimes.

MORGANA: (smiles beatifically)

 

ARTHUR rides out. At least the guards make an attempt at stopping him, they’re just completely inept at it.

 

MERLIN starts spouting spells in his fever, but luckily nothing happens.

GAIUS: The poison’s been made worse by magic, he has less time than we thought!

GWEN: Also BAYARD isn’t a sorcerer so he can’t have done this!

GAIUS: What happened to that servant girl?

GWEN: I’ll go look!

Of course, she isn’t there.

 

UTHER: Argale bargale blah!

MORGANA: Psh, whatever.

 

NIMEUH watches ARTHUR ride along.

 

GAIUS: That mysterious servant girl who isn’t a servant girl at all has probably gone to stop ARTHUR getting the cure!

GWEN: But why does she care if MERLIN gets poisoned at all? She made sure he’d be the one to drink it.

GAIUS: Um...OH LOOK I NEED MORE WATER.

MERLIN: (tossing and groaning)

 

Some pastoral forest somewhere/GAIUS’ chambers

ARTHUR falls over a MAGICAL CREATURE attacking a GIRL and kills it. The CREATURE, not the GIRL.

GIRL: I am just a poor abused servant girl and not a sorceress or anything, honest! I’ll help you find your magical flower!

ARTHUR: Ok, sure.

 

MERLIN: NO DON’T GO IN THE CAVE WITH HER

GAIUS: Oh dear, now he’s talking nonsense in his fever. QUICK MORE WATER

 

GIRL: There, across that dangerous chasm on that sheer cliff!

ARTHUR: Awesome.

GIRL: (knocks ground out from under his feet, summons creatures to eat him) Right, I’m not allowed to actually kill you myself, but those guys will do it.

ARTHUR: You summoned them, how is that not killing me yourself!

GIRL: MAGIC’s all about semantics, ARTHUR. See you around. Or not. (Wanders off, leaving him alone in the dark with things approaching)

 

MERLIN conjures a tiny ball of light.

 

A large ball of light appears to show ARTHUR the way to go.

 

MERLIN: FORGET THE STUPID FLOWERS JUST CLIMB BEFORE THE THINGS GET YOU

 

ARTHUR goes after the flowers.

 

MERLIN: YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT YOU MORON

 

ARTHUR nearly falls down.

 

MERLIN: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE THE NEXT KING

 

ARTHUR nearly gets eaten by a thing.

 

MERLIN: SERIOUSLY ARE WE JUST GOING TO HAVE YEARS AND YEARS OF THIS

 

ARTHUR eventually makes it out.

 

MERLIN lets the light fade.

 

ARTHUR gets back to CAMELOT.

RANDOM GUARD: Sorry, sire, you’re under arrest.

ARTHUR: Look, I’m sorry I disobeyed you, but I’m back and I have the cure. Just bring it to MERLIN, he’s right upstairs.

UTHER: What kind of lesson would that teach you? (Crushes the flower, drops it on the ground, sweeps out)

ARTHUR slowly, painfully, retrieves the flower while the guards watch and ignore him.

 

GWEN: No one’s allowed to see ARTHUR. Guess I’d better sneak in.

GAIUS: That’s dangerous.

GWEN: MERLIN does it all the time!

 

GWEN: Food for the prisoner.

RANDOM GUARD: Huh, Lady MORGANA’s maid bringing food for the prisoner. Nothing suspicious there!

ARTHUR: This is complete slop, you’d better _take the plate away quite quickly._

GUARD: (Inspects the plate, because it’s clearly more dangerous coming out than going in)

ANOTHER SERVANT: Food for the prisoner.

RANDOM GUARD: Hey, hang on!

GWEN: (Runs for it)

 

GAIUS: Damn, what if we need magic for the cure?

GWEN: No one in CAMELOT can do that!

GAIUS: You’re right of course. MORE WATER QUICKLY!

While GWEN’s gone, GAIUS - does MAGIC GASP WHAT?!

They tip the cure down MERLIN’s throat, but he dies anyway because no one knows CPR. Show’s over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, all right, fine, he comes back at the last second. And he gets a kiss from GWEN, so that’s nice.

 

UTHER: We’re planning war on MERCIA, BAYARD’s home, so I don’t have time for you right now, GAIUS.

GAIUS: BAYARD didn’t do anything, it was NIMUEH.

UTHER: Nonsense, we’d have known if she was around!

GAIUS: We do know, we found out last week, remember?

UTHER: Um…..

 

ARTHUR and MORGANA watch BAYARD and his men leave.

MORGANA: Want to tell me all about it?

ARTHUR: MAGIC helped me.

MORGANA: I see.

UTHER: No hard feelings, right?

ARTHUR: Sure I guess.

UTHER: And, uh...the woman in the forest, she didn’t - tell you any secrets?

ARTHUR: Does she have any secrets to tell me?

UTHER: NO OF COURSE NOT DON’T BE RIDICULOUS I HAVE TO GO NOW

 

ARTHUR wanders into GAIUS’ rooms without knocking. It’s good to be the prince, obviously.

ARTHUR: Awkward byplay.

MERLIN: Awkward acknowledgement.

ARTHUR skulks off.

MERLIN: So, why frame BAYARD?

GAIUS: She was after you, clod, not ARTHUR.

MERLIN: ...oh.

 

Next week

LANCELOT turns up. HI, LANCELOT!


	5. Lancelot

_Somewhere outside CAMELOT_

MERLIN: Ah, mushrooms. How I love picking mushrooms. Oh shit, a monster. (tries to run away, falls down) Oh no, nothing can save me now definitely not MAGIC so there’s no point in even trying!

EAGLE LION: (Roars)

STRANGER: Fear not, young man, I shall rescue thee from this foul beast!

STRANGER’s sword breaks.

STRANGER: Fear not, young man, I shall help thee flee from this foul beast! (Runs away, collapses)

 

_CAMELOT_

GAIUS: MERLIN, did you carry this man back here? He’s twice your size.

MERLIN: Adrenaline.

GAIUS: Mmm hmm. Really?

MERLIN: Look, can you help him or not? Maybe get him a cot he actually fits on?

GAIUS: Do I look like cots’r’us?

MERLIN: Will he live?

GAIUS: Oh, yeah, he’s been poisoned but he’ll be fine. No worries.

MERLIN: Really? I was poisoned and it was worse than that.

GAIUS: Really, Merlin, you have to stop comparing yourself to everyone who sleeps in your room. It’s very unhealthy. Now, on to more important matters. Did you bring me back my mushrooms?

 

UTHER: A destroyed village, eh? Was it destroyed by MAGIC?

ARTHUR: It was destroyed by some kind of CREATURE.

UTHER: Close enough!

 

STRANGER looks out MERLIN’s window.

STRANGER: Verily, I hath always longed to serve CAMELOT as one of her mighty knights!

MERLIN: Are you going to talk like that all the time?

STRANGER: I understandeth not thy question.

MERLIN: Right...well, let’s see what we can do about making you a knight.

STRANGER: I, LANCELOT, would be forever in thy debt shouldst thou make this happen!

MERLIN: Right…

 

ARTHUR defeats some would be knights.

MERLIN: I know someone who wants to be a knight.

ARTHUR: That’s great, as long as he’s a nobleman.

MERLIN: ...of course he is!

 

MERLIN: So, LANCELOT, any chance you’re a nobleman?

LANCELOT: Alas, that high office is not one I can claim as my own. Verily.

MERLIN: You’re doing that on purpose.

LANCELOT: I take high dudgeon at thy accusation!

MERLIN: Right.

LANCELOT: Long have I longed to be a knight, since that day many years hence when I was but a small child -

MERLIN: Hence means future.

LANCELOT: (glares) My family were all slaughtered and I swore to create of myself the greatest fighter I could possibly be to prevent that ever happening to anyone in the world ever again. All _right_?

MERLIN: Right. You and ARTHUR are going to get on really well. Oh, by the way, are you left handed?

LANCELOT: No. What a ridiculous question.

 

MERLIN fakes a seal for LANCELOT that will prove his nobility. GEOFFREY the LIBRARIAN basically catches him doing it.

 

LANCELOT: I could not possibly sully myself with a fake seal.

MERLIN: Oh, go on.

LANCELOT: Well, I suppose I could acquiesce to thy request.

 

GWEN very much enjoys taking LANCELOT’s measurements.

GWEN: It’s lucky I have a spare set of armour lying around that I can alter in time for you to wear it.

LANCELOT: Indeed, we are muchly favoured this fine day, both by thy indescribable presence and thy wonderful skill.

GWEN: (giggles) Get on with you.

LANCELOT: MERLIN, I wish not to tread on thy toes if thou hath made a claim upon -

MERLIN: NO. No. Why does everyone think that?

 

ARTHUR: Pff, you’re useless.

LANCELOT: Am not, am not!

ARTHUR: Uh huh. We’ll see.

 

GAIUS: MERLIN, have you done something bad?

MERLIN: No! ...yes.

GAIUS: (sighs) (spools up ‘magic is not a toy’ speech #86)

 

ARTHUR: Sudden attack!

LANCELOT: Fast reactions!

ARTHUR: Fight all over CAMELOT!

LANCELOT: Holding my own!

ARTHUR: Suddenly distracted by screaming!

Gate Guard: Sorry, Sire, those refugees were absolutely terrifying.

 

UTHER: This CREATURE is moving in this direction.

ARTHUR: We’ll be ready.

 

GAIUS: (Can’t find any information on the CREATURE)

 

ARTHUR: LANCELOT, I’m doing your knight test now so that you can join us against the CREATURE.

LANCELOT: Well...verily, that shall be excellent.

Unconvincing STUNT DOUBLES beat each other up until LANCELOT decides to play dead, thus beating ARTHUR. ARTHUR doesn’t take this very well.

 

Oh, wait, no, he does. LANCELOT gets knighted and a party breaks out.

UTHER: I am suspicious of you.

LANCELOT: That is muchly odd, my lord.

UTHER: Uh huh.

 

LANCELOT: That lady is very beautiful.

ARTHUR: (Looks at MORGANA and GWEN) Yes, I - suppose so.

LANCELOT: Mehopes a riot does not break out due to the lady’s scandalously sleeveless dress.

MERLIN: GWEN, who would you pick between ARTHUR and LANCELOT?

GWEN: As if I’ll ever be in that position.

 

MERLIN: Why are you still living in my room? Surely knights have their own quarters?

LANCELOT: But thou art my friend!

MERLIN: Uh huh.

Guards burst in and arrest LANCELOT.

UTHER: You suck and you’re awful. Lock him up.

LANCELOT goes along calmly.

ARTHUR: Look, he’s actually a pretty good fighter…

UTHER: Nonsense, as if a peasant can make any difference at all.

 

MERLIN: So...sorry?

LANCELOT: Nonsense, this situation is entirely of mine own making. Be of good cheer, MERLIN.

 

GAIUS: Look, here’s the CREATURE, it’s a mythological being.

MERLIN: Right, is it the one attacking CAMELOT right now?

GAIUS: (compares book with window) Yes, that’s him! The EAGLE LION!

ARTHUR’s KNIGHTS: (getting slaughtered)

MERLIN: Why would a flying CREATURE a) land, and b) go for the guys in armour? Surely they’ll be too hard to eat?

GAIUS: Sorry, MERLIN, I didn’t hear that, I was busy reading about how no weapons can pierce its’ hide.

MERLIN: Yes, I think ARTHUR is learning that too.

 

GAIUS: You can’t kill it without MAGIC, sire.

UTHER: Lying liar who lies! ARTHUR and his men will kill it. Oh, and do something about that traitor downstairs.

ARTHUR: Yes, sire.

 

GAIUS: We should find a spell, otherwise ARTHUR will die.

MERLIN: Oh, right, I have to go face the thing? Awesome.

GAIUS: If I could face it for you, I would.

 

ARTHUR: God, I wish you were noble, because you’re awesome. I mean, _a_ noble. You’re too noble for your own good.

LANCELOT: My life is thine to command, sire.

ARTHUR: Uh huh. I’ve made arrangements for you to leave the kingdom.

LANCELOT: My only desire is to fight by thy side!

ARTHUR: Yes, I know, but no. Run off like a good chap.

 

GAIUS: Hey, here’s a spell.

MERLIN: It’s super powerful.

GAIUS: So are you, remember?

MERLIN: Eeeeeeh… (casts vaguely Welsh sounding spell) (nothing happens)

GAIUS: Well, I’m sure it will happen when it’s needed.

 

LANCELOT: My Lady, might I trouble thee to donate valuable armour and weapons to my humble self before I ride out to die by my liege’s side?

GWEN: Sure, they’re all just hanging around here anyway.

 

MERLIN: (Can’t cast the spell)

GWEN: (Spills the beans)

MERLIN: (Runs off to save ~~LANCELOT~~ ARTHUR)

 

ARTHUR and the Knights: (ripped apart by the EAGLE LION)

LANCELOT: Well, mine lance shall serve me well in this, my probably last battle.

MERLIN: (Shouting the spell really quite loudly)

LANCELOT’s lance bursts into flame.

MERLIN: Eh, he’ll never notice.

EAGLE LION: (Dead of fire lance)

ARTHUR: (immediately awake)

MERLIN: Whoops. Better run off so LANCELOT can have the credit.

 

UTHER: Well done, ARTHUR! We shall throw a feast immediately!

ARTHUR: No, it was LANCELOT.

UTHER: What, him? Get out while we talk about you!

ARTHUR: Father, you can shout about it all you want, but I’m not backing down.

UTHER: I’ll dissolve the Knights before I let him in.

LANCELOT: MERLIN, thy MAGIC is most strong.

MERLIN: Er…

LANCELOT: Thy secret goes to my grave, my friend. However… (bursts into the throne room) I remove myself from CAMELOT to heal the broken bonds between you. Perhaps in time we can look upon each other as equals. Now allow me to call UTHER ‘your highness’ as I consider ARTHUR my king, not he.

 

LANCELOT rides dramatically out of CAMELOT, leaving GWEN and MERLIN sighing over him. For different reasons, of course.

 

NEXT TIME

MORGANA is ill and some creepy guy is skulking around getting GAIUS in trouble.


	6. A Cure for all Ills

_Some room_

Magic is done and bottles and boxes are moved about ominously.

 

_Camelot_

GWEN: Look, flowers!

MORGANA: Urgh, flowers. Put them over there.

BEETLE HIDDEN IN THE FLOWERS: Mmm, brain nomming time!

 

UTHER: MORGANA WON’T WAKE UP FIX THIS GAIUS OR ELSE

GAIUS: Uh huh, yep.

MERLIN: You can do it!

GAIUS: No, don’t think I can.

MERLIN: Maybe I could -

GAIUS: No.

MERLIN: But -

GAIUS: No.

MERLIN: GAIUS…

GAIUS: This is a natural illness and it will be cured naturally! Now go pick herbs.

 

ARTHUR: So what are you doing here?

EDWIN: I happen to have a remedy to cure all ills, and I believe your foster sister has an ill!

ARTHUR: No, thanks.

EDWIN: Ok, sure, I’ll hang around a while just in case.

 

ARTHUR and MERLIN: (brood in various ways)

 

GAIUS: I’m sorry, sire, I’ve done all I can.

ARTHUR: Time to hear out the stranger?

 

GAIUS: You seem familiar.

EDWIN: Surely you’d remember my horribly burnt face and neck.

GAIUS: And you can cure anything at all?

EDWIN: Absolutely. Although I’m sure you’ve done everything possible, so far as you know.

ARTHUR: Great. Take a room, and MERLIN, and get to work.

 

EDWIN’s room is twenty seven miles away from MORGANA’s, apparently.

 

EDWIN: Right, everyone must leave so that I can - uh - concentrate.

UTHER: Yes, we definitely want the stranger alone with the ill high ranking lady. (ushers everyone out)

EDWIN also throws GWEN out before extracting the beetle from MORGANA’s ear, ick ick ick.

 

EDWIN: Brilliant news, your majesty! GAIUS here completely misdiagnosed MORGANA and was in fact hastening her death, but I’ve fixed everything. Look, she’s alive now.

 

GAIUS: Well done, EDWIN. Say, about that scar…

EDWIN: Yes, I was a child. Well, goodbye. (hurries off)

 

UTHER: I would love to hire you as the court physician.

EDWIN: Oh, I couldn’t possibly. Well, maybe. We’ll see.

 

GAIUS: GEOFFREY, I want to see the old records.

GEOFFREY: No, can’t do it, sorry.

 

MERLIN sneaks into EDWIN’s room for a poke around. He finds the box of beetles and carelessly reads the spell carelessly printed right there on the lid.

EDWIN: Oh, look, you have magic.

MERLIN: ...no I don’t.

EDWIN: Uh huh. Let’s be magic buddies and do good things.

MERLIN: I have to go over here now. ::hurries away::

 

GEOFFREY sneaks into GAIUS’ room late at night with the records hidden under his cloak.

 

UTHER: GAIUS is brilliant.

EDWIN: Oh yes, he’s the best I’ve ever heard of. Strange that he missed the clues leading to her injury. Still, everyone makes mistakes and I’m sure he’s really good at everything else.

UTHER: We’d better have you double check everything else he’s doing. For safety.

 

GAIUS: I know who you are.

EDWIN: No, you don’t.

GAIUS: Yes, I do, and I’m going to tell UTHER on you, so there.

EDWIN: Great, and I’ll tell him you’ve been shielding MERLIN.

GAIUS: Well - shit.

 

EDWIN: Sadly, sire, GAIUS is old and his treatments are old. I’m sure it’s not his fault at all, of course.

UTHER: Hmm. Maybe I should fire him. Compassionately, of course.

EDWIN: I’m sure your majesty knows best.

 

GREAT DRAGON: Wow, you got old.

GAIUS: Uh huh.

GREAT DRAGON: Why aren’t you looking after MERLIN, the instrument of prophecy?

GAIUS: Well, I don’t really -

GREAT DRAGON: Look, MERLIN and ARTHUR can’t do what they’re meant to do while UTHER’s still hanging around, and you get to decide who wins this particular time.

 

UTHER: Listen, GAIUS, I’m sorry, but you’re old now. We’re going to pension you out and hire on a new physician.

GAIUS: I didn’t even do anything wrong! It -

EDWIN: (lurks warningly nearby)

GAIUS: Well, I’m sure that’s all for the best.

 

MERLIN: But I bet I can fix this!

GAIUS: No, no. It’s fine.

MERLIN: Well, I’ll leave with you.

GAIUS: No. Stay here and do the destiny thing.

 

EDWIN: I see you’ve got an old injury. Let me give you something for that.

UTHER: Ooooh, great!

 

GWEN: EDWIN sucks and you’re great.

GAIUS: Sssh, don’t say that out loud.

 

UTHER: (drinks the remedy and immediately falls over)

EDWIN: Ha ha, now I can do anything I want to you for a few hours! (spends a lot of them gloating)

GAIUS: I will stop you! (can’t do magic)

EDWIN: (sets a fire sort of vaguely near him a bit)

MERLIN: Hey!

EDWIN: C’mon, join me. Let’s be magic bros.

MERLIN: Let’s not. (rebounds EDWIN’s spell at him) Quick let’s save UTHER!

GAIUS: Yes, let’s use magic on UTHER to save him.

MERLIN: Oh, come on! (uses magic on UTHER to save him)

 

GAIUS: Drink this. If you trust my remedies now.

UTHER: Hrhm. Yes, well. *coughs*reinstated*coughs* I’m so glad I can trust you to help me against magic.

GAIUS: Yes, sire.

 

MERLIN: It’s nice that you stood up for me.

GAIUS: Pssh, I didn’t do that.

MERLIN: ...oh. Right.

 

Next time

MORGANA dreams about ARTHUR’s death, and not just in the fond siblings way.


	7. The Gates of Avalon

_Some Lake Somewhere_

ARTHUR drowns very slowly and artistically. A GIRL stands over him, watching.

 

_CAMELOT_

Oh, it’s ok, MORGANA was just dreaming about him drowning. As you do.

 

_Some Forest Somewhere_

ARTHUR is very carefully hunting.

MERLIN: DID YOU CATCH IT YET?

ARTHUR: Idiot.

MERLIN: Well, why d’you have to bring me along on these trips? I’m terrible at this!

ARTHUR: Do you expect me to come alone?

MERLIN: Where’s those guys you were hanging out with when I met you?

Before ARTHUR can answer, there are screams nearby. He hurries off to save an OLD MAN and THE GIRL from bandits. MERLIN helps by dropping a tree branch on one.

ARTHUR is smitten with THE GIRL, SOPHIA, even though she looks about fourteen.

 

_CAMELOT_

AULFRIC, THE OLD MAN: We’ve been thrown out of our home and so now we’re just wandering around hoping to find somewhere to live.

UTHER: Stay here a while.

AULFRIC: Thanks, don’t mind if we do!

SOPHIA: (pointed look at ARTHUR)

 

ARTHUR: Apparently you’re in charge of taking care of them, so, y’know, do that. Do it nicely. But not like you’re trying to be nice. But just nice. But not too nice. Shut up, MERLIN.

MERLIN: I didn’t say anything.

ARTHUR: Oh. Right. I’m just so used to you saying something annoying at this point.

MERLIN: What, like _ARTHUR and SOPHIA, sittin’ in a tree…_

ARTHUR: (throws a boot at him)

 

MORGANA happens past while MERLIN’s handing over a very important bedroll and recognises SOPHIA, but doesn’t say anything.

 

MORGANA: GAIUS, I just came to ask...why is your bench on fire?

GAIUS: I’m hoping the king will buy me a new one. What’s wrong?

MORGANA: I dreamed about ARTHUR dying and now the GIRL I saw killing him is here.

GAIUS: Well, I definitely wouldn’t worry about anything, you’re probably just being a hysterical woman. Here, have some drugs.

 

_The Woods_

AULFRIC turns up to pay the surviving bandit, but instead kills him with magic.

 

_CAMELOT_

MORGANA has the dream again.

 

ARTHUR: I want to take SOPHIA out riding, so I need you to cover for me in my actual princely duties. I’ll be super grateful.

MERLIN: Uh huh, I bet you will.

 

GWEN: Maybe you should tell the king.

MORGANA: Yes, I was feeling a little chilly, a nice pyre would certainly warm me up. No, I’ll just have to do something about it all on my own.

 

MERLIN: I messed up ARTHUR’s schedule accidentally. By accident. That’s why he’s not here. No other reason.

UTHER: Right, well, uh - stocks, I guess?

 

_The Woods_

SOPHIA starts casting a spell on ARTHUR but is interrupted when CAMELOT guards accidentally shoot at them. Luckily, ARTHUR doesn’t seem too worried about the spell casting.

ARTHUR attempts to be a gentleman and pick up her staff - that is not a euphemism - but she doesn’t like that much, so they head back to CAMELOT.

 

_CAMELOT_

MERLIN: ARTHUR is just head over heels for this GIRL he’s just met. It’s so cute.

GAIUS: Yes. Cute. That’s exactly what it is.

 

GAIUS goes poking around in their chambers and sees AULFRIC’s staff. He starts examining the carvings but AULFRIC appears before he can get anywhere.

 

SOPHIA: (begrudging cheek kiss)

ARTHUR: (completely head over heels)

MORGANA: I’m going to stop you, you know.

SOPHIA: Nah, I really don’t think you are!

AULFRIC: So, you’re going to want to hurry, because the physician knows what we are, so if we don’t hurry up and sacrifice a mortal prince we’ll be trapped in these mortal shells forever. Or, well, until we die of being mortal, I guess.

SOPHIA: I’m working on it. He’s so icky.

 

ARTHUR: She’s so amazing.

MORGANA: Uh huh, yeah, that’s great. Listen, I have this feeling that she’s tricking you, so maybe be careful around her?

ARTHUR: Look, if you’re jealous, you should just come out and say it.

MORGANA: You’re an idiot.

 

ARTHUR: Yeah, I’m running out again this morning, so you’re going to have to lie again.

MERLIN: Sounds like a blast!

 

_The Woods_

ARTHUR and SOPHIA frolic through the trees for a while before she finally casts the spell.

 

_CAMELOT_

GAIUS: So you delivered ARTHUR straight into evil’s hands.

MERLIN: How’s that now?

GAIUS: MORGANA’s been having visions of the future and they’re about ARTHUR and SOPHIA and they’re bad.

MERLIN: Wait, what?

GAIUS: Just go save ARTHUR!

 

SOPHIA: Do you love me?

ARTHUR: Brains.

SOPHIA: What?

ARTHUR: Love you.

SOPHIA: And we’re going to get married.

ARTHUR: Get married.

SOPHIA: So you’ll ask the king.

ARTHUR: Brains.

SOPHIA: Stop that!

 

_The Woods_

MERLIN follows AULFRIC to the edge of a lake, where he summons up some tiny, Tinkerbell type fairies. Those are not Sidhe, people.

AULFRIC: My daughter’s going to be coming past with the soul of ARTHUR PENDRAGON, so if you’d be ready to let her into AVALON, that’d be great.

NOT!SIDHE: Sounds fine.

 

_CAMELOT_

GAIUS: AULFRIC’s staff had Ogg Ham writing on it -

MERLIN: Are you sure you don’t mean Ogham? (Oh-am)

GAIUS: Shut up, MERLIN. They’re Sidhe.

MERLIN: (Grim silence of ‘shit that sounds bad but I can’t admit I don’t know what they are, oops’)

 

ARTHUR: SOPHIA and I want to get married.

UTHER: Not a chance.

ARTHUR: We’ll run away, then.

UTHER: I’d like to see you try when she’s _dead_.

ARTHUR: Hey!

MORGANA: UTHER, you might like to pay more attention to that.

UTHER: Nah, it’s just a crush. It’ll be fine.

MORGANA almost confesses to her dreams but then doesn’t.

 

ARTHUR: (packing busily)

MERLIN: Soooo…

ARTHUR: Shut up and get out.

MERLIN: Listen, you really -

SOPHIA: Need to elope with me.

MERLIN: Uh, no, they’re trying to kill you!

AULFRIC: Pssh, no we’re not.

MERLIN gets knocked out and ARTHUR waits around for a few hours and then leaves with SOPHIA and AULFRIC. MORGANA sees them go and runs to GAIUS.

GAIUS: Don’t tell UTHER, he’ll kill you. I’ll think of something. Go on back to bed now.

 

Luckily, shouting at MERLIN is enough to wake him up.

GAIUS: MERLIN, you have to save ARTHUR - you can’t even stand up!

MERLIN: I haven’t tried yet!

GAIUS: Just be careful, yes?

MERLIN: Sure. (heads in the wrong direction)

 

_The Woods_

MERLIN hares along after SOPHIA, AULDRIC and ZOMBIE ARTHUR.

SOPHIA: But I thought we were both going!

AULFRIC: No, just you.

SOPHIA: But we should be together!

AULFRIC: No, I’m going to die and you’re going to go on.

ARTHUR: Brains.

SOPHIA: Stop that! God, all right, I’ll kill him just so he’ll stop saying brains all the time.

MERLIN falls down.

AULDRIC starts the spell. SOPHIA shoves ARTHUR into the water.

MERLIN is lost.

ARTHUR drowns slowly and artistically. SOPHIA stands over him.

MERLIN makes it to the lake, magically grabs SOPHIA’s staff and blows up AULFRIC. SOPHIA tries to lumber out of the lake at him, so he blows her up too. Good thing AULFRIC didn’t just blow him up earlier.

He chucks himself into the lake after ARTHUR, who is still artistically sinking through the beautifully lit water.

Man, MERLIN must be stronger than he looks to keep a fully armoured man above water like that.

 

_CAMELOT_

ARTHUR: I DEFINITELY DON’T REMEMBER ANY OF THE EMBARRASSING THINGS I DID LAST NIGHT, NO, NOTHING AT ALL

MERLIN: Uh huh.

ARTHUR: AND NO TELLING ANYONE EITHER

MERLIN: Yes, sire.

 

UTHER: Haha, we thought you’d eloped.

MERLIN: Uh, no, it was all me again, I told him the wrong things! Silly old me. 

UTHER: Idiot. You must really like it in the stocks.

MERLIN: No, I quite hate it, actually - oh.

 

MORGANA: ARTHUR told me about SOPHIA.

MERLIN: Erm, yeah.

GAIUS: Here, have some drugs.

MORGANA: Right.

GAIUS: Remember, MERLIN, don’t ever let anyone including MORGANA know anything about her dreams. Including her. Got it?

MERLIN: Uh huh, sure.

 

MORGANA has another dream, but we don’t see what it is.

 

Next time

A little boy turns all of CAMELOT upside down.


	8. The Beginning of the End

_LOWER CAMELOT TOWN_

Two figures in cloaks, a man and a small boy, walk through the marketplace.

MERCHANT: Here’s your supplies. Also, I sold you to the guards, sorry about that.

The pair run off but are driven into the castle courtyard. A guard manages to slightly wound the BOY and MERLIN hears a mental scream. The MAN sends the guard flying into the nearest wall.

He sets the gates closing with magic and shoves the boy through, even though he’d have plenty of time to go through himself as well, but instead he faces down the guards. What a hero. In the Terry Pratchett sense of the word.

In the castle proper, MERLIN is still hearing the BOY’s thoughts. He follows them into the courtyard and sees the BOY sort of sitting around in plain sight.

MERLIN magically figures out how to converse with the BOY and leads him into the castle, bursting into MORGANA’s room.

MERLIN: Sorry, figured you might like to commit treason today?

MORGANA: Sure. Go hide in there while I lie to the guards.

 

ARTHUR: But the Druid wasn’t even doing anything, do we have to kill him?

UTHER: Yes, absolutely. Stone dead.

ARTHUR: They’re peaceful…

UTHER: They _say_ they’re peaceful, but really they are snakes and must be rooted out.

 

The BOY lies recovering in MORGANA’s chambers while the MAN is executed outside. MERLIN thoughtfully leaves the window open so he can listen.

UTHER: Anyone who hides the BOY will also be executed, just so you all know. Right, go ahead and kill him.

The BOY shatters MORGANA’s mirror with magic.

 

MERLIN: So, Druids. What’s that all about?

GAIUS: I don’t really know anything. Why do you ask?

MERLIN: NO REASON I DON’T KNOW JUST BORED I GUESS

GAIUS: Uh huh. Well, just be extra careful while everyone’s on alert.

 

Various guards search ineptly in the courtyard.

 

MERLIN: I’m so glad you didn’t give us up earlier.

MORGANA: Well, thanks for your faith.

MERLIN: I just mean it’s an awkward position I went ahead and put you in. What with UTHER being your guardian and all.

MORGANA: I just think he’s wrong about magic, because what if you can’t choose to have it or not, you just do, and everyone thinks you’re evil but you’re not really, and then - what? Why are you laughing?

MERLIN: No reason.

 

UTHER: You’re very quiet tonight.

MORGANA: Just - enjoying the meal!

ARTHUR: Sorry, Father, we haven’t found anything yet.

UTHER: I’m not surprised, you’re always disappointing me. Try harder.

ARTHUR: Try harder to disappoint you, or to find him?

UTHER: Why don’t I let you figure that one out.

 

MERLIN: He’s got a fever.

MORGANA: Yes, very astute, MERLIN. Was it the unconsciousness or the burning up that gave it away?

MERLIN: You’re mean, you know that?

MORGANA: We should ask GAIUS for help.

MERLIN: No, it’s too dangerous getting him involved. I’ll deal with things.

ARTHUR: MORGANA, I’VE COME TO SEARCH YOUR CHAMBERS

MORGANA: Excuse me?

ARTHUR: Yeah, I have to search everyone’s. Hang on - MERLIN IS AN AWFUL SERVANT. Sorry, if I don’t say it every so often I get hives. Right, now about your chambers.

Meanwhile, MERLIN is magically making a pair of boots run around the room behind ARTHUR’s back so he doesn’t see them. I’m not sure why. They look way too big to belong to the BOY.

MORGANA: Look, I’ll save you some trouble. He’s hiding behind that curtain.

ARTHUR: (thinking) If MORGANA always lies, and she says the BOY’s back there, then he’s clearly not, so if I look and he’s not, I’ll look like a fool, but if he is and I don’t look, I’ll look like a fool, so you ask the guard what the other guard would say and then you don’t believe him.

ARTHUR: (out loud) Ha!

ARTHUR sweeps off.

 

MERLIN studies up on fevers in one of GAIUS’s books. He’s about to leave with a bag of remedies when GAIUS comes in.

GAIUS: MERLIN! Are you interested in healing at last? Oh, my heart rejoices. Come, let me teach you for the next six hours!

MERLIN: That’d be nice, but I have some actual work to do, you know, the work I’m employed to do -

GAIUS: SIT.

MERLIN sits.

 

MERLIN eventually makes it back to MORGANA's and starts putting some goop on the BOY’s wound.

BOY: (thinking out loud) Hey, that tickles.

MERLIN: (thinking out loud) Well, sorry, I’m doing my best.

BOY:(thinking out loud) I’m sure you are, EMRYS.

MERLIN: (thinking out loud) MERLIN.

The BOY faints again.

 

MERLIN wanders down to see the DRAGON. It’s in a particularly bad mood today.

DRAGON: Well, you try listen to some little Druid boy moaning in your head.

MERLIN: Uh, yeah, I have been. Why’s he keep calling me EMRYS?

DRAGON: That’s your name.

MERLIN: My name’s MERLIN.

DRAGON: MERLIN and EMRYS are just two of your many, many names.

MERLIN: ...uh huh. Would you like to tell me any of them?

DRAGON: No. Also, don’t protect the BOY. 

The DRAGON flies off.

MERLIN: I DON’T KNOW WHY I EVER BOTHER COMING DOWN HERE, I REALLY DON’T!

 

MORGANA: He’s getting worse.

BOY: (thinking out loud) Yeah, tell me about it.

MORGANA: Hey, he’s talking!

GWEN: He’s really not, my lady. Maybe you should get some rest.

SUDDENLY IRISH MERLIN: How are we all doing?

MORGANA: Well, he’s dying, so not very well. Let’s get GAIUS in on this.

 

GAIUS: This DRUID BOY is really messing everything up.

MERLIN: Yeah, about that...

GAIUS: (Sighs, spools up “You might have exposed yourself” speech #217)

 

GAIUS: Well, you definitely aren’t a physician. Let’s get him well and then get him out of here.

MERLIN: I’ll do it.

MORGANA: _I’ll_ do it, UTHER probably won’t execute me, maybe.

MERLIN: You’ll need ARTHUR’s key, though.

 

MERLIN attempts to magically summon ARTHUR’s key, but doesn’t bother to magically muffle the noise, so ARTHUR spends a while playing ‘what is that sound’. Eventually, MERLIN drops the keys into ARTHUR’s stew rather than, say, putting them in his pocket, and ARTHUR wanders off, confused.

 

MORGANA: GWEN, I just wanted to say sorry for dragging you into all of this without stopping to ask how you feel about it.

GWEN: That’s all right, it was MERLIN who dragged me into it.

MORGANA, in her best LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD cape, hurries the BOY around the castle, avoiding the guards but being spotted by a serving maid. They sneak off through a hidden passage.

The maid alerts ARTHUR, who realises he’s missing his key. He orders the bells rung.

MORGANA meets GWEN and MERLIN long enough to get some food before hurrying off again. Sadly, her cape isn’t really made for hiding. They’re caught and ARTHUR has no choice but to take them both back to the castle.

 

UTHER: You traitor. After everything I’ve done for you.

MORGANA: You taught me to do the right thing.

UTHER: ‘Right’ is a matter of opinion. ARTHUR, have the BOY killed tomorrow.

ARTHUR not only agrees, he then stands around and does nothing while UTHER manhandles MORGANA. Our hero.

 

MORGANA: We should save the BOY.

MERLIN: We’ve already tried that.

MORGANA: Let’s try differently. You’re going to help.

MERLIN: I - uh…

 

ARTHUR: Maybe we could do something other than killing him?

UTHER: No, we’re killing him.

ARTHUR: But maybe -

UTHER: Killing.

ARTHUR: What if -

UTHER: Killing!

 

MORGANA: Don’t kill him.

ARTHUR: Look, I’ve tried talking and now I don’t know what else to do.

MORGANA: How about anything else!

MERLIN: We can’t protect him! I mean, if you’re caught again you’ll probably be killed.

ARTHUR: He’s right. So here’s the plan; you, MORGANA, will go dine with my father for your alibi, and I’ll sneak the BOY out of the dungeon, and MERLIN will meet us at the end of the tunnel he’ll have unlocked to let us out, which is very important because if he doesn’t do that we’re all doomed. Everyone got it?

MERLIN: I still think -

ARTHUR: Good, great, let’s go.

 

MERLIN: Look, can I get some actual answers this time?

DRAGON: I will consider it. Hmm - if the BOY lives, your destiny cannot be completed.

MERLIN: What, he’s going to kill ARTHUR?

DRAGON: See, you’re getting the hang of this!

 

MERLIN: GAIUS, if you knew that doing something bad now would mean something really really bad wouldn’t happen in the future, would you do it?

GAIUS: Depends on the circumstances, I suppose. Just do your best, that’s all anyone can ask.

 

GWEN: Are you sure you want to risk everything to help this BOY you know nothing about?

MORGANA: Yes. Yes I am.

 

MORGANA: I’m sorry (that you’re so horrible) and I’ll certainly never (let you find out if I) disobey you again.

UTHER: Sounds great!

 

ARTHUR busts the BOY out and they run along seventeen miles of corridors. MERLIN is not at the end of the tunnel to meet them, and the guards set the bells ringing again.

BOY: (thinking out loud) I’m just going to keep shouting in your head until you help us, so you might as well just do it, because I can shout for a really long time this way because I don’t need to breathe or anything, I can just keep going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going...

MERLIN gives up and comes to help them.

ARTHUR: You useless idiot.

MERLIN: Hey, I got you out, didn’t I?

 

GUARD: The BOY got away again.

UTHER: Why is it so hard to keep magical enemies in my perfectly normal dungeon! Oh and MORGANA, if I find out you had anything to do with this, you’ll be on that chopping block, understood?

MORGANA: I was right here the whole time!

 

ARTHUR: So here’s your kid.

DRUID: Thanks for that, ARTHUR PENDRAGON. We won’t tell your father you brought him back to us.

ARTHUR: I’d appreciate that. Hey, can I get a name before I go?

BOY: (smiles angelically) My name is MORDRED.

ARTHUR: Cool name. See you around, MORDRED.

MORDRED: You certainly will.

He goes off with the DRUIDS accompanied by OMINUS LATIN CHANTING.

 

Next time  
Some dead guy’s going around killing knights, and MERLIN manages to upset the DRAGON somehow.


	9. Excaliber

_Some creepy crypt somewhere_

NIMUEH swans around, finds a tomb and sets a spell on it. Whoever’s inside starts breaking out.

 

_Camelot_

ARTHUR’s getting crowned. I thought he was already the prince, but I’m sure there’s some very important rule about it.

UTHER actually looks proud for two point eight seconds.

Suddenly THE DOCTOR bursts through a mirror. No, wait. Suddenly, a GUY ON A HORSE bursts through a window. Sorry about that.

ARTHUR and his guys all pull their swords. GOAH ambles up the aisle and throws down the gauntlet, literally. ARTHUR tries to pick it up, but SIR NEVER APPEARED BEFORE THIS EPISODE gets there first.

UTHER and GAIUS recognise the crest on GOAH’s shield and exchange looks of ‘shit now what?’ across the crowd.

 

MERLIN: So, what was that about?

GAIUS: No idea.

MERLIN: Know who he is?

GAIUS: No.

MERLIN: Can SNABTE beat him?

GAIUS: ...let’s hope so.

 

MORGANA: Why can’t you fight instead?

ARTHUR: Knight’s code.

MORGANA: He’ll die!

ARTHUR: Oh, so you’d rather I died instead? Cheers for that, MORGANA.

 

GAIUS: So, is it definitely him?

GEOFFREY: Oh yes, definitely. It’s TRISTAN DUBOIS.

GAIUS: How fortunate that we both know who that is and don’t need to discuss it!

GEOFFREY: Yes, but you’d better go and discuss it with UTHER, I’m sure he’s finished brooding by now.

GAIUS: You’ve met our king, haven’t you?

 

UTHER: (broods)

GAIUS: Soooooo……

UTHER: Yes, yes, he’s carrying TRISTAN’s crest, but he can’t possibly be TRISTAN, because I killed him twenty years ago and we all know dead people don’t come back.

GAIUS: Sorry, sire, have you paid attention to anything that’s happened around here in the last few months?

UTHER: DEAD PEOPLE DON’T COME BACK, GAIUS!

GAIUS: (meaningful look)

UTHER: (meaningful look)

GAIUS: (meaningful look)

UTHER: (meaningful look)

GAIUS: (meaningful look)

UTHER: (meaningful look)

GAIUS: (wanders away)

 

ARTHUR: So, fight fast, fight smart. You’ll be fine.

GWEN: MORGANA sent you a ribbon for luck.

OWAIN: Thanks, I’ll...tie back my hair with it? I guess?

 

There is sword fighting. OWAIN stabs GOAH in the stomach, but nothing happens and no one sees, and GOAH kills him. Eventually.

He throws down the gauntlet again. UTHER keeps ARTHUR from getting to it before PELLINOR can. GOAH wanders off.

 

ARTHUR: I wanted to fight him!

UTHER: Tough, you’re the Crown Prince and you need to be kept safe.

 

MERLIN: Let’s go explore the crypts, MERLIN, it’ll be fun, MERLIN, we’ll solve all our problems, MERLIN…

GAIUS: We have solved all our problems, look!

MERLIN: It’s a busted up tomb.

GAIUS: It’s the tomb of TRISTAN DUBOIS, the brother of IGRAINE -

MERLIN: I’m pretty sure that’s pronounced EEGRAINE.

GAIUS: Who’s the curmudgeonly old storyteller and who’s the idiot apprentice around here?

MERLIN: Right, sorry, carry on.

GAIUS: YGRAINE died having ARTHUR and TRISTAN demanded a duel with UTHER and lost and cursed Camelot as he was dying and now I think this is the curse.

MERLIN: So why don’t we just not pick up the gauntlet?

GAIUS: Don’t be ridiculous!

 

PELLINOR dies, but not before stabbing TRISTAIN hard enough that everyone sees it.

This time ARTHUR gets there first and throws his own gauntlet down before UTHER can stop him.

 

UTHER: Withdraw.

ARTHUR: No, can’t.

UTHER: Withdraw.

ARTHUR: Not the way you taught me.

UTHER: Withdraw!

ARTHUR: Not going to happen.

 

GAIUS: So, uh, TRISTAN’s tomb is empty. I think he’s walking around in his old body killing people.

UTHER: His body’s twenty years old, how can it possibly have any shape left at all!

GAIUS: Magic, I suppose. Anyway, he’s not going to stop until you die, so you might want to call ARTHUR off.

UTHER: I’ve tried, he’s not listening.

GAIUS: Maybe you should tell him - The Truth?

UTHER: No! How can you even suggest it!

GAIUS: Just seemed like it would help, is all.

 

Out in the courtyard, MERLIN sets TRISTAN on fire, but it just makes him a bit testy.

 

MERLIN: Don’t fight him.

ARTHUR: Why not?

MERLIN: Look, he’s - he seems like he’s not human, how can you…

ARTHUR: That just makes it worse, MERLIN, if he’s some kind of magic I’m sworn to defeat him anyway, remember?

 

NIMUEH: UTHER, UTHER, UTHER. Such a terrible pickle you’ve found yourself in.

UTHER: This is completely your fault.

NIMUEH: Why, because I did what you asked and made sure your barren wife would bear a son?

UTHER: You killed her!

NIMUEH: I did no such thing! Magic must be balanced, your son’s life meant your wife’s death. If I’d known what would happen I would never have done it. And now he will die as well. Life’s funny that way, isn’t it? (vanishes)

 

GEOFFREY: So what are you doing?

MERLIN: I’m trying to save ARTHUR’s life.

GEOFFREY: Right, better get on that then. Here, there used to be swords burnished by dragons that could kill dead people.

MERLIN: WELL IF ONLY THERE WERE ANY DRAGONS DRAT WHAT A SHAME DEAD END BETTER GO LOOK FOR ANOTHER WAY!

 

MERLIN: I need a really good sword.

GWEN: Sure, let me just babble a bit first.

MERLIN: If you like, but I’m kind of in a hurry, so…

 

MORGANA: Don’t fight.

ARTHUR: Got to fight.

MORGANA: Oh, well, all right then.

 

UTHER: So, let’s make a plan.

GAIUS: Sure.

UTHER: First of all, I have to be sure that you’ll never reveal The Truth.

GAIUS: I suppose so…

UTHER: Good. Now, here’s the other thing.

 

MERLIN: Burnish the sword so ARTHUR can kill the dead thing.

DRAGON: Nah. I’d rather see UTHER get it in the neck. Besides, ARTHUR’s your job, not mine.

MERLIN: If he dies then the whole destiny thing will never happen!

DRAGON: Damn, all right then. But you have to absolutely promise that only ARTHUR will use this sword, otherwise terrible - **terrible** \- _terrible things will happen!_

MERLIN: Sure, yeah, ok.

 

GAIUS: Here, I brought you something to help you sleep so you’ll be well rested for your fight tomorrow.

ARTHUR: Well, thanks, GAIUS. You know, you’ve always been hurblegurbleflaaargh?

GAIUS: Yes, I know. (Puts him to bed)(locks him in)

 

UTHER: Oh, you’re ARTHUR’s idiot boy, aren’t you? Get me ready to fight.

MERLIN: Um…

UTHER: And I’ll have this fancy sword, too.

MERLIN: Um…

UTHER: ...take care of him afterwards.

 

ARTHUR wakes up when the fight starts outside. He can’t get out of his room.

UTHER’s doing pretty well for an old guy. He knocks TRISTAN’s helmet off. TRISTAN’s sword gets caught on UTHER’s shield, which gives UTHER enough time to stab TRISTAN. He explodes.

NIMUEH does not like this.

 

GAIUS: How strange that you managed to kill the unkillable thing.

UTHER: Yes, I know. What a great sword this is.

ARTHUR: (stomps in looking like a four year old)

GAIUS: (makes himself scarce)

UTHER: Look, before you start, I tricked you to save you because I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to you, and I’d do it again if I had to, so just…

ARTHUR: …. … …

 

GAIUS: So, new sword, hmm?

MERLIN: Look, I didn’t enchant it, all right?

GAIUS: All right then.

 

DRAGON ALARM CLOCK: You might as well get up, MERLIN, we’ve already proved you can’t stand having people shout in your head for very long.

MERLIN: In the middle of the night, though?

DRAGON: Just checking on ARTHUR.

MERLIN: Yeah, he’s fine, he’s alive. UTHER saved him. usingthesword Well goodnight now!

DRAGON: You’re a terrible apprentice! Get rid of the sword, no one ever touches it again, do you hear me?

 

MERLIN nicks the sword, heads off to POSSIBLY THE AVALON LAKE, I DON’T KNOW, IT’S A LAKE, and throws it in. Because UTHER’s definitely not going to look for it or ask about it or anything…

 

NEXT TIME

Bandits attack a village and GENDRY doesn’t like that at all.


	10. The Moment of Truth

_Some Pastoral Village Somewhere_

Peasants are happily going about their lives, when oh no! Some raiders appear. Really, DR BASHIR, would Starfleet approve of this?

SOME WOMAN tries to stop the raiders and gets knocked down, but the guy who tries to protect her gets killed, so really she got off pretty lightly. The raiders give them one week to gather everything together ready for them.

GENDRY watches from a corner. This is shit with which he is not down.

 

_CAMELOT_

SOME WOMAN has made it to CAMELOT.

MERLIN: Ma!

 

HUNITH, MERLIN’S MA: ...so we tried going to our king, but he doesn’t care about us, and if BASHIR takes all our crops then our children will die and we’ll all have to become astronomers. No, wait. Not that last bit. Just the starving.

UTHER: I’d like to help you, I really would, but your village is in CENDRED’s kingdom and if I send men there, even just a few to help you, it’ll be an act of war and many of my people will die.

MORGANA: Why don’t you send supplies, then?

UTHER: Because no. Sorry.

 

ARTHUR: I’d help if I could.

MERLIN: I know. I’m going with her to try and help.

ARTHUR: Good, because you’re an awful servant and I won’t miss you at all.

MERLIN: I know.

ARTHUR: ...be careful.

MERLIN: ...yes, sire.

 

GWEN: We’re coming too.

MERLIN: You’re the king’s ward, you can’t…

MORGANA: I am though.

 

GAIUS: (gives MERLIN all the things)

MERLIN: (gives GAIUS all the hugs)

 

_Woody Woods_

They ride off. MORGANA has learned from past mistakes and this time GWEN is wearing the bright red cloak.

 

HUNITH: I don’t like having them along. What if they find out _your secret?_

MERLIN: I’ll be careful, and you stop mentioning it like that.

HUNITH: But if they find out _your secret_ then…

MERLIN: Ma, seriously.

Having just promised to be careful, MERLIN casts a spell right there in the campsite. Not even a necessary spell, he’s just playing with sparks. Well done, MERLIN.

Later he hears hoofbeats. After flailing around in the woods for a while, he is found by ARTHUR.

 

_EALDOR_

BASHIR watches as his men tear the village apart. They find the food the villagers were trying to hide, and BASHIR is about to kill HEAD GUY when ARTHUR and the others arrive.

GENDRY sees MERLIN use magic to defend himself. MORGANA and ARTHUR hack at the bad guys. BASHIR calls a retreat.

BASHIR: BAD GUY THREATS!

GENDRY: Oi, you. I thought I threw you out of here.

MERLIN: Yes, I missed our friendship too, GENDRY.

GENDRY: WILL.

MERLIN: What?

GENDRY: My name’s WILL, not GENDRY.

MERLIN: No, I’m pretty sure it’s GENDRY.

ARTHUR: Right, so what we’re going to want to do is -

GENDRY: Hang on, who are you to come in here and start telling us what to do?

ARTHUR: You’ve been doing it wrong, so I’m going to show you the right way.

Literally EVERYONE ELSE in the village is on ARTHUR’s side.

MERLIN: You’ll get to like him, honest. I trust him.

GENDRY: So he knows about you?

MERLIN: …

GENDRY: Yeah. Thought so.

 

ARTHUR: So...you were poor, then.

MERLIN: Yep.

ARTHUR: That’s...interesting.

 

HUNITH: You didn’t finish breakfast!

ARTHUR: Oh, how...foolish of me. Mmmm.

HUNITH: So ARTHUR likes you, then.

MERLIN: No, I’m just his servant and he’s just a good man.

HUNITH: Hrm.

 

MERLIN: Chopping down some wood, lalala, nothing to see here…

GENDRY: Right, like you need an axe. Why don’t you just stop BASHIR?

MERLIN: I might not be able to. And if ARTHUR found out about me, I’d have to leave CAMELOT and I wouldn’t be able to help him be a great king.

GENDRY: So ARTHUR’s future is more important than ours?

MERLIN: (has no answer)

 

ALWAYS FADE OUT IN A MONTAGE! IF YOU FAde out it seems like more time has passed. oooooh, in a montage….time has passed….montage………………

ARTHUR sends HEAD GUY off to be a sentry because he sucks at being a soldier. Unfortunately, that leaves him with about four people.

MORGANA: Listen, ARTHUR, we think some of us female women with boobs should be allowed to fight.

ARTHUR: (appears to be listening reasonably, then wanders off to shout at the men some more)

 

GWEN: Should we get some sleep since we’ll probably be fighting some more tomorrow?

MORGANA: No, let’s talk about how ARTHUR clearly likes and trusts MERLIN while MERLIN is lying on the floor right over there listening to every single word.

 

ARTHUR is busy attempting a rousing speech when HEAD GUY turns back up, dead.

BASHIR VIA NOTE: Neener neener nee-ner!

GENDRY: This is all your fault, ARTHUR.

MERLIN: No it isn’t!

GENDRY stomps off.

MERLIN: Stay and fight, GENDRY.

GENDRY: WILL.

MERLIN: You will? Great!

GENDRY: No. My name is WILL.

MERLIN: I don’t think so.

GENDRY: Just use your magic.

MERLIN: No, because reasons.

 

MERLIN: GENDRY’s father died so he has a massive chip on his shoulder. Just ignore him, that’s what everyone does.

ARTHUR: Yeah, but he’s right, though. They’re all going to get killed.

MERLIN: No, we’re going to win as long as you believe in us.

 

ARTHUR: So the women and children will hide in the woods…

GWEN: No, the Boob Brigade has gained a few members.

ARTHUR: I’m a little intimidated. And turned on. Is that weird?

 

HUNITH: Don’t use any magic tomorrow.

MERLIN: I can’t let people die, MA. 

HUNITH: But if ARTHUR finds out…

MERLIN: If people die. It’s not a choice, MA.

 

ARTHUR: Oh, look. More delicious food.

GWEN: It’s everything she has, quit bagging on it!

ARTHUR: ...yeah. Really quite a lot turned on.

 

ARTHUR and MERLIN dress each other. Seriously. MERLIN almost ‘fesses up, but MORGANA comes in to kill the moment.

 

BASHIR’s guys burst into the village, slowly getting surrounded. Poor MORGANA, being a woman, messes up her part of the plan, so MERLIN goes to save her. There is fire and fighting.

GWEN seems to be kicking ass with a broom. Good for her.

GENDRY shows back up to save MERLIN.

BASHIR’s men are turning the tide. MERLIN uses magic to make a tornado, because that won’t do any damage to the houses and fields. ARTHUR sees him, but from his angle it might maybe possibly have been GENDRY either.

The bandits flee, all except BASHIR. He calls out ARTHUR for a fight. ARTHUR beats him down and immediately demands to know where the magic came from.

Sadly, BASHIR isn’t quite dead. GENDRY shoves ARTHUR out of the way of his crossbow and takes the bolt himself, because...he can’t duck, apparently.

GENDRY: I did the magic too,

ARTHUR: ...oh. Well...I guess, feel free to die of that injury?

GENDRY: I still don’t like him.

MERLIN: Yeah, well, you have shit taste in people. You like me.

GENDRY: Yeah, yeah. I do.

GENDRY dies. It’s very upsetting.

 

ARTHUR: Sorry he died, but, y’know, magic is dangerous.

HUNITH: Well, goodbye.

MERLIN: I don’t have…

HUNITH: Yeah. Yeah, you do.

 

All four head off back to CAMELOT, secure in the knowledge that the bandits definitely won’t try to get revenge.

 

Next time

ARTHUR kills a unicorn, which sucks for everyone apparently.


	11. The Labyrinth of Gedref

_Some woods somewhere_

ARTHUR: Be vewwy vewwy quiet. We’re hunting...something.

‘Something’ is a UNICORN. MERLIN attempts to chase it off, but ARTHUR kills it.

ARTHUR: Oddly, I am very happy about seeing this magical creature.

MERLIN: Probably because it’s _dead_ , you prick.

ARTHUR: That might be it, yes. (dehorns it)

MERLIN sees a man in white, but he’s gone when ARTHUR turns around.

 

_Camelot_

GAIUS: Oh dear. Anyone killing a UNICORN is inviting great peril.

UTHER: Nonsense, you’re just being over cautious.

GAIUS: It’s a _magical creature_ , why are you not trying to burn it right now?

UTHER: ...because shut up.

 

MERLIN: Sorry I couldn’t save it.

GAIUS: Yes, that is a shame.

 

ARTHUR has a massive feast and taunts MERLIN about being upset about the UNICORN.

MERLIN: Look, I just think -

ARTHUR: Stop thinking and find this rat that’s been in my chambers.

 

All the crops are rotting. UTHER and ARTHUR are very concerned.

UTHER: GAIUS will save us. Until then, rationing is our friend.

 

MERLIN: It’s only killing plants we can eat! No, wait, you just said the trees are fine. Can’t we eat fruit?

GAIUS: ...we don’t grow any fruit trees.

MERLIN: Really? No nuts, no berries? What about herbs? We can eat dandelions and bullrushes…

GAIUS: Look, just pass me that vial and stop lowering the tension, ok?

 

ARTHUR: All the livestock’s been eaten, there’s hardly any food or water, people have started looting…

UTHER: The crops died _today_ apparently. We ran out of food already? And why are we out of water? The water’s fine!

ARTHUR: Well, everyone’s so conditioned to panic about magic as soon as anything at all goes wrong.

 

GUINEVERE tries to pump water but only gets sand.

UTHER: See, I _told_ you.

ARTHUR: Yes, father, now we’re out of water as well. Very good.

UTHER: It’s magic!

 

MERLIN attempts to magic the sand back to water, but can’t.

GAIUS spools up “sometimes magic is good” speech #446.

 

ARTHUR sends his guards off to enforce a curfew, so when he and MERLIN spot an intruder there's no one around to help them chase him. They fall over each other a few times but finally run him down. It’s the Man in White.

ANHORA: You did a bad, bad thing and now Camelot is cursed. We’ll be testing you to see if you’re worthy of having it lifted. (vanishes)

 

GAIUS: Bath tea!

MERLIN: ...right. Just let’s focus on the tests, shall we?

 

MERLIN: So, about those tests…

ARTHUR: Totally ridiculous, I agree with you. Let’s focus on other things.

MERLIN: But what if…

ARTHUR: Look, sorcerers are all liars and thieves and you can’t trust any of them, all right? Come on.

 

MERLIN and ARTHUR keep watch over the grain reserves. They catch a man trying to steal from it.

EVAN: I have children! And a sick mother! And I was in the war!

ARTHUR: Oh, whatever. Get out, don’t get caught by anyone. Here, have some grain, I’m sure some other children won’t mind.

EVAN: You’re very kind, sir.

 

In the town, GWEN watches the guards chase a looter. She notices the water spout dripping and when she tests it, water gushes out.

MERLIN: Excellent, liquid.

ARTHUR: Yes, I was getting tired of all the wine and beer and other spirits.

MERLIN: I guess EVAN was one of your tests and you passed and that’s why we have water.

ARTHUR: There’s no tests! I didn’t do this thing! Look, just find me some food.

MERLIN: (spots rat) Sure.

 

More people turn up looking for help. ARTHUR is very upset.

 

ARTHUR: ...you think I did this?

MERLIN: Not on purpose.

ARTHUR: Tomorrow we’ll go looking for ANHORA. - what am I eating?

MERLIN: Food…

ARTHUR: Why don’t you have some?

MERLIN: ...sure. Or we could give it to MORGANA!

 

_Forest_

They find ANHORA pretty damn quickly but get separated as they chase him. ARTHUR finds himself in a clearing with EVAN, who has bags and bags of food stacked around.

EVAN: You’re not anything like your father.

ARTHUR: (sees red, attacks)

ANHORA: Well, that was not the result we were hoping for.

ARTHUR: He was being mean!

ANHORA: And you should have ignored him. Now Camelot is going to be in trouble.

ARTHUR: You suck the big one.

 

_Camelot_

UTHER: All the food’s gone bad.

 

MERLIN: ARTHUR’s never going to get over this.

GAIUS: Well, he won’t have to deal with it for long. Eat your beetles.

MERLIN: They’re very crunchy.

GAIUS: Yeah, well.

 

UTHER: Stop feeding the people and keep feeding the army.

ARTHUR: Um, no? Ask some of the other kingdoms to help us.

UTHER: No, they’ll attack us and we won’t have an army to help!

ARTHUR: Look, if you want this done you’re going to have to do it yourself.

 

MERLIN: This isn’t your fault.

ARTHUR: Sort of is.

 

_Forest_

MERLIN: ANHORA, everyone’s starving to death. Can we have a do over?

ANHORA: You know people can live a couple of weeks without food and it’s been a couple of days, I think, don’t you?

MERLIN: Just let us try again.

 

_Camelot_

MERLIN: I’m coming with you.

ARTHUR: No, you’re not.

MERLIN: (sneaks out after him anyway)

 

_Labyrinth_

They reach the Labyrinth and head in separately. ARTHUR does not know the left hand rule. MERLIN does. It doesn’t help him, though; ANHORA appears and uses badly CGId vines to capture him. Shame MERLIN isn’t the strongest sorcerer in the land, isn’t it?

ARTHUR finds his way out onto a beach. MERLIN is sitting at a table, waiting for him.

ANHORA: So there’s two goblets, and one has poison and one doesn’t, and they both have to be drunk but you each only get one goblet.

ARTHUR: But I’ve spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder!

ANHORA: This isn’t that one.

MERLIN: I’ll drink the poison once we figure out which one that is.

ARTHUR: I’ll drink the poison once we figure out which one that is.

MERLIN: No, me!

ARTHUR: Me!

MERLIN: Look, we don’t know which is which anyway.

ARTHUR: True.

MERLIN: Let’s mix them together!

ARTHUR: Good plan. Hey, what’s that?

MERLIN _actually falls for it_. ARTHUR mixes the goblets. MERLIN talks at him for ages instead of just grabbing the goblet. ARTHUR drinks and falls over.

ANHORA: Look, he’s just sleeping. Stop crying over him, it’s really embarrassing. He passed the test, everything’s fine. Don’t try and get revenge on me with your magic or anything.

MERLIN: I wasn’t going to…

He really wasn’t.

 

_Camelot_

GAIUS: The curse has reversed itself and the crops have regrown themselves! No one is at all worried about eating food that grew so unnaturally quickly!

ARTHUR: Good for them.

 

_Forest_

MERLIN and ARTHUR bury the unicorn’s horn. This somehow brings it back to life apparently. This show, man.

 

_Next time_

MORGANA wants to kill UTHER and the DRAGON wants MERLIN to help her.


	12. To Kill the King

_Camelot_

GWEN’s father TOM is playful, loving and fun. He gives her presents and is optimistic about the future. This does not bode well.

That night a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE comes to get lead that TOM has prepared in a particular way. He uses it to do magic.

MERLIN hears the magic.

The lead turns to gold. ARTHUR and the knights break in for some reason. The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE gets away but TOM is caught.

 

MERLIN: Someone’s been doing magic in Camelot.

GAIUS: Yes. You have. You do it all the time. You did it earlier because you didn’t want to bend down to pick up that spoon.

MERLIN: ...bad back?

GWEN bursts in.

GWEN: My father’s been arrested for treason!

So apparently MERLIN sat in his room thinking for long enough for GWEN to find out about the arrest, cross the town, get to the castle, and climb all the way up to GAIUS’ tower…

 

MORGANA: He didn’t do any treason!

UTHER: He did, though.

MORGANA: You don’t have any proof!

ARTHUR: We have the gold we found on him.

MORGANA: That’s not proof of anything!

ARTHUR: Father, maybe she has a point…

UTHER: No! We must obey the law! Mmmm, delicious law...

 

TOM: I didn’t know he was doing magic. I just wanted to buy you pretty things.

 

MERLIN: But what’s going on? I don’t understand!

GAIUS: TAUREN, the bad guy, used magic to make lead into gold. This threatens the kingdom somehow.

 

MORGANA wanders through town looking for GWEN, apparently unaware that she spent the night in MERLIN’s bed. ...no, that’s literal.

In TOM’s forge, she finds a case on the ground, so naturally she picks it up and looks inside. It’s TAUREN’s Philosopher’s Stone, and it glows when she holds it.

MERLIN hears it again.

MORGANA brings it back to her room.

MERLIN’s still listening to it when MORGANA wanders into his room to check on GWEN.

MERLIN: Hey, feel like saving TOM?

MORGANA: I’m trying to! God!

 

MORGANA sneaks into ARTHUR’s room and steals one key from a big bunch.

MORGANA: TOM I CAN’T SAVE YOU I’M SORRY I JUST CAME TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE OK AND BE REALLY CONSPICUOUS (sneaks him the key)

 

MERLIN and ARTHUR watch some men being led off to be executed because they helped TAUREN.

MERLIN: But they shouldn’t die!

ARTHUR: Shut up and go do something.

 

That night TOM breaks himself out, but sadly he’s not smart enough to relock the cell or even take the key out of the lock, so the escape is quickly noticed. 

UTHER: That proves he’s guilty! Kill him!

TOM is caught and killed by spearing and swording and knifing and probably kicking, too, I wouldn’t put it past those guards.

 

MORGANA watches GWEN cry about it.

 

MORGANA: You suck, UTHER!

UTHER: Careful now.

MORGANA: Down with this sort of thing!

UTHER is not impressed and has her chained in a dungeon. No, really.

 

ARTHUR very quietly comes to MERLIN’s room to give GWEN her job and home. And eventually apologise.

 

GWEN goes home. TAUREN grabs her and demands the stone. GWEN honestly knows nothing about it, so he gives her a time and date to return it before vanishing.

 

GAIUS: Look, I found a picture of the ~~Philosopher’s~~ Mage Stone!

MERLIN: Oh, this is what he used!

Viewers: (sleeping through this scene)

 

ARTHUR wanders into MORGANA’s cell.

MORGANA: Come to gloat?

ARTHUR: I was planning on releasing you, but if you’re going to be like that about it…

 

GWEN: You shouldn’t get in trouble for me.

MORGANA: (high pitched) Everything’s fine!

GWEN: (high pitched) Me too! No one’s threatening me for some stone I don’t know anything about or anything!

 

MERLIN wakes when the stone calls. MORGANA’s taking it out of the castle. MERLIN follows her.

 

_Woods_

MORGANA is surrounded by TAUREN’s men.

MORGANA: Let’s team up and kill UTHER!

TAUREN: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

MERLIN listens as they plot to kill UTHER.

 

_Camelot_

GAIUS: Anything you want to say to me, MERLIN?

MERLIN: How’s that?

GAIUS: Well, you’ve just given me an apple instead of the salt. Also, you’re trying to escape this conversation through a broom cupboard.

MERLIN: Since when do we have one of those in here?

 

DRAGON: Oh, dear. What crisis are we having today?

MERLIN: MORGANA and TAUREN want to kill UTHER and I don’t know if I should let them or not because UTHER is evil but he’s ARTHUR’s father and I can’t let him die because ARTHUR but he ordered TOM to be killed and GWEN and he kills people all the time but ARTHUR and if I help MORGANA then ARTHUR and if I don’t then GWEN oh no I’ve gone cross-eyed.

DRAGON: Let UTHER die.

MERLIN: What? Where’s the riddle? There’s no riddle there! How am I supposed to figure out what to do if there’s no riddle?

DRAGON: I’m telling you what to do. Kill UTHER.

MERLIN: But I don’t understand!

 

MORGANA: Yes, so I’m really very sorry, and you’re a great king. Except for that time you let my father die, and that time you let GWEN’s father die. Apart from those.

 

MERLIN: Is UTHER a good king?

GAIUS: Yes. Why?

MERLIN: NO REASON IS THAT THE TIME I HAVE TO GO

 

UTHER: I don’t like fighting with you.

MORGANA: No, me neither.

UTHER: Listen, I didn’t actually kill your father, but I feel bad. Why don’t we go visit your father’s grave together?

MORGANA: Great, thanks.

 

MORGANA sneaks out to tell TAUREN the plan is on. MERLIN watches. MORGANA’s terrible at this ‘subtlety’ thing.

 

The next morning MERLIN watches UTHER and MORGANA ride out.

GWEN: MORGANA’s brilliant.

MERLIN: You’re brilliant. Listen, hypothetically, if you could kill UTHER without anyone knowing about it, would you?

GWEN: No. I’m not a killer. Neither are you. We don’t kill people, you and me.

MERLIN: Right, thanks, see you later!

MERLIN takes his magic book out of its hiding place but then leaves it out and takes the SIDHE staff instead, pelting out of Camelot.

 

_Forest_

TAUREN watches as MORGANA gets UTHER to leave the guards behind and walk up to the grave with her.

MERLIN runs through the forest.

MORGANA sits beside the grave while UTHER deswords himself.

MERLIN starts taking out TAUREN’s men.

UTHER: I really liked your father. He was great. You’re pretty cool too, you know. I like having you around.

MORGANA: Uh oh, change of heart imminent…

MERLIN tries to take down TAUREN but is knocked out.

UTHER: Let’s be buddies from now on. I love you like a daughter.

MORGANA warns him as TAUREN attacks but doesn’t try to help either of them as they fight. TAUREN has the upper hand as MERLIN races along to stop him…

...then MORGANA stabs him in the back and saves UTHER.

 

_Camelot_

GAIUS: Busted, you helped MORGANA.

MERLIN: Yeah, yeah, I guess I did.

GAIUS: Well, well done. No, seriously. I’m honestly offering you a compliment. Why do you look so confused?

MERLIN: You’re normally yelling at me right now.

GAIUS: Well, not this time. I mean, it’s not as if you took the SIDHE staff out and haven’t brought it back, is it? I mean, that would be stupid, right? _Right?_

 

_Next time…_

ARTHUR is dead maybe and NIMUH is back.


	13. Le Morte d'Arthur

_Forest_

ARTHUR, MERLIN and the KNIGHTS are hunting again. Didn’t learn their lesson a couple of weeks ago, then.

They come across a badly CGI’d SNAKE BEAR THING. Everyone runs away, but since there aren’t any women in the group to do it MERLIN falls over. ARTHUR and SIR APPARENTLY I’M BEDIVERE help him up, but SIR APPARENTLY I’M BEDIVERE falls down and gets eaten, or bitten, or squashed, or something. It happens off screen.

 

_Camelot_

GAIUS: It’s a magical creature called the QUESTING BEAST.

UTHER: Nonsense.

ARTHUR: Nonsense.

MERLIN: (worried looks)

GAIUS: Let me just mention the night your wife died.

UTHER: (glaring)

 

GAIUS: If the QUESTING BEAST bites you, even just once, you die.

MERLIN: (more worried looks)

 

MORGANA has a terrifying dream that’s mostly about smoke. GWEN comes to comfort her. Does she stay in the castle all night? When does she go home?

 

ARTHUR: Let’s go kill the thing!

KNIGHTS: (fairly unenthusiastic cheering)

MORGANA: Don’t kill the thing!

If only she was less hysterical, he might be more inclined to listen…

 

_~~Forest~~ Caves under the forest_

Everyone splits up. Clever.

ARTHUR and MERLIN are the ones to find the SNAKE BEAR THING, of course. ARTHUR gets knocked out. MERLIN uses the telekinesis we’d all forgotten about and the griffin killing spell to kill the SNAKE BEAR THING. It thrashes around for a _really_ long time.

ARTHUR’s bleeding, even though it really didn’t look like the SNAKE BEAR THING’s head got anywhere near him.

 

_Camelot_

MERLIN tries various spells to heal ARTHUR even though UTHER’s on his way.

UTHER carries ARTHUR really slowly and awkwardly across the courtyard; apparently GAIUS’ rooms are not only up in a tower, but not physically connected to the rest of the castle. That’s a terrible arrangement for your sickroom.

Halfway across the courtyard UTHER can’t carry him anymore, so some KNIGHTS take him away as politely as possible. MORGANA watches.

 

MERLIN: Everything’s gone bad and I don’t know what to do!

DRAGON: Where there’s life, there’s hope.

MERLIN: That doesn’t help!

DRAGON: Use the OLD RELIGION to cure him.

MERLIN: (actual line) The OLD RELIGION died out centuries ago!

DRAGON: Then what’s UTHER always boasting about defeating, hmm? Go to the ISLE OF THE BLESSED and see what happens.

 

MERLIN: I’m going to find someone who serves the OLD RELIGION, because like you said it’s still around.

MERLIN, it’s lucky you’re pretty…

GAIUS: Don’t go to the ISLE OF THE BLESSED there’s nothing there heh heh heh…

MERLIN: Uh huh. That sounds convincing.

GAIUS: Look, maybe ARTHUR can be saved but someone will need to die instead.

MERLIN: That’s fine, I’ll do that.

 

GAIUS: Here, have a useful present. And a sentimental one.

MERLIN: I love you too. (rides off into the woods, and moors, and mountains, while ARTHUR fevers feverily)

GWEN: Why don’t I look after ARTHUR while you rest.

GAIUS: What about MORGANA?

GWEN: Oh, I gave her a sleeping draught. All that moaning about danger. Couldn’t take it. Anyway, off you pop while I moon over ARTHUR.

There’s a candlelit vigil going on outside. It’s oddly creepy.

 

_Possibly Avalon_

MERLIN finds a boat waiting, so he abandons his horse without even tying it up and gets in. It’s the SLOWEST MOVING BOAT EVER. Eventually he reaches the ISLE OF THE BLESSED and gets out of the boat to wander around.

Suddenly, NIMUH! This is very shocking for anyone who didn’t see last week’s promo!

NIMUH: ARTHUR can live but someone has to die.

MERLIN: That’s ok, I’ll die.

NIMUH: ::smirks, gives him rainwater from a cup:: Now, ARTHUR will live and someone will die.

MERLIN: I already told you I would!

 

MERLIN pelts back to

 

_Camelot_

where ARTHUR is still alive, more or less.

GAIUS: I am conflicted. Using this means someone will die!

MERLIN: No worries, come on, let’s go!

MORGANA: JUST POPPING IN TO BE CREEPY!

MERLIN: You so rarely do anything else.

 

ARTHUR wakes up! Everyone’s happy! There are celebrations! UTHER and ARTHUR have an actual conversation! MERLIN and GAIUS are sad!

Thunder crashes over the castle, because of course it does. MERLIN sits around waiting to die.

The gate guards do absolutely nothing to stop a strange hooded figure from coming in. It makes its way to GAIUS’ rooms.

MORGANA catapults awake again. GWEN doesn’t seem to be there this time. Probably because she’s still mooning over ARTHUR.

MERLIN wakes up alive, but when he comes to celebrate with GAIUS he finds him crouched over the hooded figure. It’s his MOTHER! And she’s terribly ill! With boils and stuff!

GAIUS: Sorry, you screwed her by bargaining with NIMUH.

MERLIN squeezes his mother’s hand and most of her boils.

 

MERLIN: You suck, DRAGON! I’ll make sure you never get out of here now!

The DRAGON tries to burn him alive, but MERLIN just puts up a shield, all casual like.

MERLIN: Bye for ever, DRAGON.

DRAGON: Ha! Until the next strange creature you need to know about!

 

MERLIN: I’m going to figure out a way to save her.

GAIUS: No, your destiny is important.

MERLIN: Yeah, but she’s my mother.

GAIUS: (sad resolve face)

 

ARTHUR: Oh, there, you’ve come back.

MERLIN: Yes, sire.

ARTHUR: You’re useless.

MERLIN: Yes, sire. Maybe you should get a new servant.

ARTHUR: What, you don’t want the job any more?

MERLIN: (actual line) I’m happy to be your servant, until the day I die.

ARTHUR: (senses something is up) (does nothing)

 

GWEN: Sorry your mother’s dying.

MERLIN: NO SHE’S FINE EVERYTHING’S FINE NOW I’M GOING TO REALLY OBVIOUSLY TALK TO HER ABOUT ME DYING WHILE SHE’S SICK SO EXCUSE ME

The next morning MERLIN starts to leave but finds a note from GAIUS.

GAIUS: Dear MERLIN, went to kill myself for my sister who is also your mother, remember. Be good. Don’t forget to take MORGANA her medicine. You are like my son, which is really creepy since your mother is my sister. Love GAIUS.

GAIUS is already almost at the lake. MERLIN goes after him. MORGANA watches.

 

_ISLE OF THE BLESSED_

GAIUS: So kill me instead of MERLIN or his mother and everything will be fine.

NIMUH: And it’ll be payback for all those magicians you gave up to UTHER during the Purge.

GAIUS: And you’ll have made up for killing his wife and starting the whole Purge in the first place. OH SNAP!

MERLIN is still miles away. Then he’s suddenly there.

NIMUH: Magic just demands a life. Doesn’t care what life.

MERLIN: So you didn’t actually have to kill YGRAINE for ARTHUR then, you could have killed some child murderer or something?

NIMUH: No, because...no! Now let’s be friends.

MERLIN: You just killed GAIUS.

NIMUH: That was a whole...number of minutes ago! Stop living in the past, MERLIN.

They start a magic-off. MERLIN is losing. Then he legit calls down lightning on her and uses her death to give life back to GAIUS. So who died for ARTHUR now?

GAIUS didn’t get boils when NIMUH killed him…

 

_Camelot_

The DRAGON’s pitching a fit. Guess MERLIN will have to get used to ignoring getting shouted at in his head…

MORGANA also hears the DRAGON. Oh dear.

 

_Stay tuned for Season Two…_


End file.
